Understanding...

It's hard to find sometimes.

Actually, I think most of the time, it's pretty much out of our reach. Or at least it is for me, anyway.

In the big things, of course. Little things are easy to understand. Like, why did Caleb and Nate destroy the living room for the 700th time today? Because I was in the shower and I wasn't down there to tell them not to, of course. Or why is this rice so crunchy? Because I forgot about it and cooked it too long.

But I have been struggling lately with some of the bigger questions in my life. Questions about this military life, and why God is asking me to live it when I am just not even close to being strong enough. Questions about why God is asking us to go through certain things, and also questions about why we have to go through them at what seems to us to be a really, really bad time.

I guess everybody asks similar questions about the situations in their own lives. It's easy to get wrapped up in my own problems and forget that they really aren't anything that countless others haven't gone through. Nothing special here. Of course, that truth usually doesn't do much in the way of comfort. And it certainly doesn't help in the attitude department. Not for me, at least.

I've been asking God "why" a lot these past few days. About a lot of things, really. About why He allows certain things to happen, why He gives me challenges that I have no desire to meet, and takes away things that my heart really wanted.

Why does God want me to be exhausted, stressed, frustrated, lonely, overwhelmed and broken-hearted?

The answer that seems obvious to me is that I've done too many things wrong. I don't have the right attitude, I'm not grateful enough. I don't work hard enough, I'm not supportive enough, I complain too much. The hard things in my life don't make me stronger, they just make me sadder. When am I going to get it right?

I read this in my Bible reading 2 nights ago:

As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"
"Neither this man nor his parents sinned", said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life". -- John 9:1-3

I wasn't searching for anything like this, it just happened to be what I was supposed to read that night for my Bible-reading plan. It really stuck in my mind, because it kind of puts a new perspective on why I might be having to go through certain things. Maybe it's not because I've done something wrong. Obviously, I've done lots of things wrong. I am a very, very flawed person. But maybe that's not the reason that God puts these things in my life that I don't want. Or takes things out that I do want. Maybe He has a plan to show His glory through my circumstances. I can't understand it, and I may never even see how He accomplishes it. It is comforting to know that God can use me, in spite of my pathetic failures-maybe even because of them. I know I'm not there yet, but I am praying for God to help me to feel peace in whatever my circumstances are, knowing that He can use those circumstances to bring Himself glory. One thing that I struggle with is not knowing how or why, though. Just when I think I am understanding something, and have an idea of what God is doing, it all flips upside down, and I'm left feeling like an idiot.

And then last night, I read this (again, it was just in my reading plan) :

Now we see but a poor reflection, as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. --1 Cor. 13:12


So maybe what I need to learn is that I don't have to understand now. Here is the promise that I will understand someday. It doesn't make sense to me now, but someday it will. It will be perfectly, crystal clear.

It's kind of exciting to think about. The struggles and uncertainty are only temporary. Just like everything else in this life on Earth. But the joy and complete understanding that we will have in Heaven will last forever.