"My Heart Will Choose..."

Last Sunday, I woke up feeling really tired and discouraged, and just wanting to go back to sleep. It's been a pretty rough month for me, for several reasons that I won't go into, and I was just feeling run down. I very seriously thought about asking Eric to take the boys to church without me.

But, for whatever reason, I got up and went anyway.

Our pastor wasn't there. It was the former pastor speaking. He left a few years ago to take care of his wife, who has been very, very sick. He said he was going to speak about Job.

He read through the entire first chapter. He went through God's conversation with Satan. He went through the day where Job lost everything he owned, and all of his children, all at the same time. And he read Job's words at the end of the chapter: "The Lord gives, and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised".

Job experienced a lot of loss. When I hear the word "loss", there are a few things that come to mind. All of them are painful, but there's one that has really been weighing on me lately as Eric's deployment to Afghanistan continues to bear down on us. What if I have to go through the loss of my husband?

So that's where my mind went when the pastor started talking about what happened to Job. Then he said that the book of Job does not answer (as so many people like to think) the question of why God allows bad things to happen to good people. But it does ask the question "when God allows bad things to happen to good people, is He still worthy of our praise?"

He talked about how important it is to know God now, because you don't know when trouble is coming. And all I could think was "deployment....war....death...." What if that trouble comes to me? I don't even know how to describe the way the thought of that possibility makes me feel. I picture myself getting the knock on the door, like in the movies, and that's just it. There is no life after that moment. Not a life that I have any interest in living, anyway.

But it could happen. That's the cold, hard truth. You can say that if we have faith and pray, that God will protect Eric while he's deployed. But the fact is that that is not promised to any of us, no matter how much we pray, or how perfect our faith is. We are never, ever promised protection from physical harm. Never promised protection from a lonely life without my best friend.

When he said "you better get to know God now", it hit me so hard, because I know that trouble is coming, and it could be that trouble that I can't stand to even imagine. That could be the trouble that comes for me.

Am I going to be able to love and praise God if he takes my husband away?

No.

Doesn't that sound bad? It's true, though. I'm not. I'm just not strong enough.

So I tried to get my heart ready to sing the song, which has the line "you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name". This is what I prayed: God, I know that I can't make myself feel the words to this song, but I know it's the right way to feel, and I want to feel it, so do it for me. There have already been circumstances in my life that I have had trouble praising you through, and I know that -whatever happens-my life is going to get a whole lot harder soon. There will be days when I can mean these words easily, but there will be days where I can't, so please help me say them anyway."

So we stood up, and I started singing, but it was just barely a whisper because I was crying too hard. I haven't cried in church in a long time. I don't even remember the last time I cried in church. I stood there and cried and Eric gave me a hug, and I choked out those words, "my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name."

I am thankful that God can hear me whispering while I cry, because there was just no way I could do anything else at that moment. He knows how weak I am, and I believe He will forgive me for not being able to sing it out loud with a smile on my face. If He will make me strong enough, I will choose to praise Him the best that I can, no matter what happens. Even when I just don't want to.

And I'm also thankful for the knowledge that someday it will be easy. When I get to Heaven, I won't have to choke the words out, they will come so easily, because all the pain and sadness and fear will be gone forever.

This is a song I found on my sister's facebook page. It's just beautiful, and I can't think of any better way to end this post, so here it is:

http://http//www.youtube.com/watch?v=-nWGRltOQAw