Getting Closer!

I was thinking last night that the stop-mail date (the date at which it is too late in deployment to send soldiers mail, because they won't be there long enough to get it) is coming up within a few weeks.  Once we hit that date, we are so very close to being together again.  I guess I hadn't allowed myself to think about how close that date was because the fact that there are still a few months left of deployment is painful to dwell on.  I know that at this point, it should all be eager anticipation, but after this very difficult deployment for our brigade, there is still a lot of fear.  They are still over there, and even though it's not for too much longer, it only takes a moment for tragedy to occur.

The nearness of the date did finally dawn on me last night, though.  And it feels pretty cool to have come so far.  It's hard to describe how the time has passed.  In a way, it feels like it's been forever, and in another way, it feels like he has hardly been gone at all.  

Along with the excitement of the ever-closer redeployment date...and the fear that it will never come for us, is a sense of urgency.  Have I learned what God had for me to learn during this time?  Am I going to end up where He wants me when it's over?  If I'm not on the right track for that, I only have a little bit of time to get there.  As hard as deployment is, I have tried throughout it to view it as a special opportunity from God to get to know Him better and to strengthen my faith in Him.  Lots of people live with certain issues most of their lives, placing them on the back burners of their hearts because nothing challenges them in doing that.  Living under constant pressure, pain, and fear forces such issues up to the forefront, where they demand to be dealt with.   It reveals what is really in the heart, both strengths and weaknesses.  You learn pretty quickly how much you really, honestly do trust God, and when the question is whether or not you get your spouse back, I think most of us find that the amount of real trust is pretty small.  It also brings forth opportunities to share faith that don't happen when life is normal and easy.  You meet people that don't know the Lord through the Army, and the stress and fear that we are all living with can bring Him and His peace up in many, many conversations. 

I will be glad (really, really super-duper glad!) when deployment is over, but it is definitely a gift from God in my life, and I don't want to waste any part of it.  My goal for the next few months is to ask God to show me how to finish it well.  To have my eyes open to what He has left for me to do and learn in this season of my life.  And not to do what feels natural, which is to check out and find distractions to get it over with as quickly as possible.

Ecclesiastes 7:14a  In the day of prosperity be happy, but in the day of adversity consider-God has made the one as well as the other...

Divided Heart

Jeremiah 29:13  You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.

I "happened" across this verse in my quiet time with God tonight.  I have been pretty down on my deployment life today.  I try to maintain a heart of gratitude that we are in the place that God has led us to, but as time stretches on, the days that I am actually able to feel grateful are spaced further and further apart. Today was not one of those days.  I'm really feeling the separation, and it's painful.  After I got the boys to bed, I sat down with my Bible and my journal.  Throughout deployment, this has been the only thing that brings me any real peace, and I wanted some peace tonight.

When my kids are in bed and my house is quiet, and my husband is on the other side of the world with no access to communication equipment...my heart hurts and gets lonely.  And there is nowhere for it to go but to God.  All opportunities to pour it into someone or something else are gone.  When I look at deployment from this perspective, asking our family to do it is an amazing act of mercy on the part of an awesome God.  Before going through it, I had no idea how truly divided my heart was.  I didn't realized how much of it I held back from God.  And I didn't know what it meant to really "find" God, because I had never really felt pressed to look.

I like the way this song phrases it:

"I surrender it all, I lay it before You.
 For all of my days, I'll give You the glory.
 You called me to see my heart is divided,
 Lord, take all of me, for I have decided
 I count it all as loss, compared to knowing You,
My God."
                                                    -Count it All by John Waller

Good song!  I recommend listening to it!  I would embed a video, but I can't find one. 

Oh well.     

Rest and Recuperation

Also known as "R and R".  The 2 week break soldiers get during a deployment that is over 9 months long.  Most Army deployments (until the recent change that no one has yet benefited from) are 12 months or longer, so an Army deployment always starts out with the question of when R/R will be.

Eric's R/R was originally scheduled for late January, which was my preference, since I knew that the day he left again would be excruciatingly painful, and I wanted to be able to comfort myself and the kids with the knowledge that it would only be another 2 months or so before he came back for good.  When he left in April, I couldn't even stand to think about the fact that I wouldn't see him again for 9 months, but I knew that when the leave date came and went, I would be glad we waited.  Right around Halloween time, he called me to say that he was told he had to change it to an earlier date, and that he had opted for Christmastime.  I was pretty angry at first, since this would meant a longer wait after R/R, and it was very frustrating because at the time, he had very limited access to communications, and we only had 15 minutes to talk and I didn't know when he would call again.  When he left, I resigned myself to not spending any holidays together, and had had 7 months to accept that fact that we wouldn't have Christmas together.  I worked through my disappointment, though, and soon was very excited to have our family together for Christmas.

As the time got closer for him to come home and I got more and more excited, time did what it always does in situations like that, and came to a screeching halt.  I spent a lot of time getting the house ready, cleaning and decorating, and just trying to set it up so that we could relax and enjoy each other's company.  I practiced making the meals he loves and his favorite cookies.  We were able to talk every day while he was on his way  home, and the whole process took about 2 weeks.  I couldn't even believe it when the day finally came!

It almost felt like a dream, as I was getting dressed that morning and getting the boys sleepover bags ready.  Around lunch time, I dropped them off with some of our good friends and headed off to the airport.  I wanted to get there early so I would have time to get through security and meet him at the gate.  I got to the airport 2 hours early, and this being Fairbanks....I made it through security in about 4 1/2 minutes.  There were no lines anywhere.  So I had almost 2 hours to wait very, very anxiously!  There was no one there when I arrived, but as the time for his flight neared, the waiting area filled up with people waiting for the departing flight.  It got pretty crowded. When the door was finally opened and the passengers started coming out, I stood where I could see the door and finally-there he was!  I saw his black beanie hat first, towering over everyone else's heads, of course.

We drove home and the whole way I just kept looking over at him and saying "I can't believe you're home!"  It was the most amazing feeling.  We went to get the boys in the morning, and reintroducing them to their dad was a bit of a process.  The little ones were very intimidated and hesitant at first, which is totally normal after 8 months of separation.  It took maybe an hour or so for Nate to finally be ready for a hug, and Sam a little longer.  By the end of the day, all three were stuck to their dad like glue  There was a lot of wrestling in this house!

We spent most of R/R relaxing at home and taking the boys to do fun things like bowling, the movies and the indoor playground.  Eric and I had a few really wonderful dates!  We drove out to Chena Hot Springs once, and another night a friend watched the boys so we could go out to a nice restaurant, play glow-in-the-dark putt-putt, and go see Mission Impossible 48 (or whatever number they're on) on the Imax screen.  We let the boys stay up past their bedtimes most nights, and Eric and I were up until 3 or so pretty much every night.  Exhausting, but so much fun!

It went by much to fast, though, of course.  I prayed before he came and while he was here that God would help me keep the next big goodbye off my mind, so that we could just enjoy the time we had, and for the most part, I was able to.  It broke in every now and then and Eric and I would talk about it, but mostly we just had fun.  The last day before he left, it hit me pretty hard, though.  There were lots of tears.  It's true that this time is going to be less then half of what we have already done, but this time I know what he is going back to, and it's not a safe place.  After having to live with knowing he was in danger and having to adjust to running the house alone for such a long time, it was just so, so wonderful to have him safe and right beside me.  Knowing we had to go back to the way things have been all this time just felt unimaginably cruel.

We stayed up together all night the last night.  We each took a 20-minute "power nap", so we could squeeze in as much time together as possible before he left.  His flight was in the morning and we had to get everyone up and ready so we could see him off at the gate.

Driving to the airport, it occurred to me how lucky I am.  Even with this huge, heavy pain on my heart, I was still enjoying my husband's company.  I am so blessed to be in a marriage where we enjoy each other so much. 

We got to the airport and went through security.  It was a morning flight, so the airport was pretty busy-meaning it took about 40 minutes to get through security.  When we got to the gate, they were already boarding, so we didn't have too much time for goodbyes.  He waited until they were about to close the doors to go, and about 7 or 8 minutes before that, Nate realized what was going on.  he was thoroughly devastated.  Nate hates to draw attention to himself and never cries loudly in public, so it absolutely ripped us in  half to see him do it then, and to that degree.  After Eric left, it took me a good 45 minutes to get him calm enough to walk towards the exit.  Caleb was tearful too, and Sam was just toddling around with a "what the heck??" expression on his face.  It was definitely an overwhelming morning, and it left me feeling about 2 inches tall and completely drained.

The day was mostly a blur.  I was able to talk to Eric between his flights, which helped a lot with the pain.  When he leaves like this, it feels like such a huge loss, because the time is so long and it changes our lives so drastically.  It definitely starts a grieving process, and hearing from him after he leaves helps to reassure me that it's not a permanent loss, and he isn't gone, he's just away for a while.  Anyway, the day eventually went by and at about 8:15 I realized that if I didn't go to sleep soon I might die, so I headed up to bed.  Just as I was laying down, Eric called to say that he had gotten to a hotel for the night, and I got to fall asleep with the sound of his voice still in my ears, and I slept all the way through the night.

So we are back to our "temporary normal".  We are still reeling some from the pain of the goodbye, but we are gradually feeling better.  I think once we get up and go to church tomorrow, we will start feeling more normal.  Things are kind of surreal right now. Hopefully getting back into normal routines will help the time go by quickly until he is back for good.

To sum up our R/R, I would say that it was probably the happiest, most wonderful 2 weeks of my life, and that it was more then worth the hurt that came at the end.  I love that man with all my heart, and I'm so blessed to be married to a true hero.  Can't wait to see him again in a few months!