"My Heart Will Choose..."

Last Sunday, I woke up feeling really tired and discouraged, and just wanting to go back to sleep. It's been a pretty rough month for me, for several reasons that I won't go into, and I was just feeling run down. I very seriously thought about asking Eric to take the boys to church without me.

But, for whatever reason, I got up and went anyway.

Our pastor wasn't there. It was the former pastor speaking. He left a few years ago to take care of his wife, who has been very, very sick. He said he was going to speak about Job.

He read through the entire first chapter. He went through God's conversation with Satan. He went through the day where Job lost everything he owned, and all of his children, all at the same time. And he read Job's words at the end of the chapter: "The Lord gives, and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised".

Job experienced a lot of loss. When I hear the word "loss", there are a few things that come to mind. All of them are painful, but there's one that has really been weighing on me lately as Eric's deployment to Afghanistan continues to bear down on us. What if I have to go through the loss of my husband?

So that's where my mind went when the pastor started talking about what happened to Job. Then he said that the book of Job does not answer (as so many people like to think) the question of why God allows bad things to happen to good people. But it does ask the question "when God allows bad things to happen to good people, is He still worthy of our praise?"

He talked about how important it is to know God now, because you don't know when trouble is coming. And all I could think was "deployment....war....death...." What if that trouble comes to me? I don't even know how to describe the way the thought of that possibility makes me feel. I picture myself getting the knock on the door, like in the movies, and that's just it. There is no life after that moment. Not a life that I have any interest in living, anyway.

But it could happen. That's the cold, hard truth. You can say that if we have faith and pray, that God will protect Eric while he's deployed. But the fact is that that is not promised to any of us, no matter how much we pray, or how perfect our faith is. We are never, ever promised protection from physical harm. Never promised protection from a lonely life without my best friend.

When he said "you better get to know God now", it hit me so hard, because I know that trouble is coming, and it could be that trouble that I can't stand to even imagine. That could be the trouble that comes for me.

Am I going to be able to love and praise God if he takes my husband away?

No.

Doesn't that sound bad? It's true, though. I'm not. I'm just not strong enough.

So I tried to get my heart ready to sing the song, which has the line "you give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name". This is what I prayed: God, I know that I can't make myself feel the words to this song, but I know it's the right way to feel, and I want to feel it, so do it for me. There have already been circumstances in my life that I have had trouble praising you through, and I know that -whatever happens-my life is going to get a whole lot harder soon. There will be days when I can mean these words easily, but there will be days where I can't, so please help me say them anyway."

So we stood up, and I started singing, but it was just barely a whisper because I was crying too hard. I haven't cried in church in a long time. I don't even remember the last time I cried in church. I stood there and cried and Eric gave me a hug, and I choked out those words, "my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name."

I am thankful that God can hear me whispering while I cry, because there was just no way I could do anything else at that moment. He knows how weak I am, and I believe He will forgive me for not being able to sing it out loud with a smile on my face. If He will make me strong enough, I will choose to praise Him the best that I can, no matter what happens. Even when I just don't want to.

And I'm also thankful for the knowledge that someday it will be easy. When I get to Heaven, I won't have to choke the words out, they will come so easily, because all the pain and sadness and fear will be gone forever.

This is a song I found on my sister's facebook page. It's just beautiful, and I can't think of any better way to end this post, so here it is:

http://http//www.youtube.com/watch?v=-nWGRltOQAw

What's Happening?

Eric is on staff duty tonight. If you don't know what that means, it's basically 24-hour duty. We go to see him some, though. I took the boys up to the PX at lunch time and we all ate Subway together. And then he came home at dinner for some homemade ham and pineapple pizza and chocolate covered strawberries.

My house is in a shambles. I really need to clean it. He'll be home in the morning, and it will be nice if I don't have too much work to do while he's here. He has the next 5 days off because of Memorial Day, which I think is so cool. Soooo ready for some good family time!

I don't think it will take long to clean the house. It's a small house, and I usually get the work done pretty quick if the boys are asleep. Which they are.

After Eric left tonight, I played with Sam on the couch for about an hour. He is just so cute. So sweet. He's really developing a personality. And he is such a happy, smiley little guy. He's starting to want to touch and explore things, and once he sees something he wants to check out, he is very determined to get to it. He will lean and reach if I'm holding him, and if he's on the floor he rolls to his tummy, scrunches his legs up to his chest, and then lunges forward. This scoots him about an inch forward, and he will do it as many times as he needs to to reach his goal!

My kids are all just so cute and awesome. They are a lot of work, but I wouldn't trade them for anything. They really do make me happy, and I'm thankful that God gave me them. I know they will make me smile next year when I'm going through all the stress and fears and whatever else I will go through that I can't even imagine yet, since I haven't been through it.

What's more embarrassing?

Having no followers on your blog, or asking a few of your friends who have blogs to follow yours, so you have.....like...... three followers?

It stands to reason that if you don't have any followers, no one is ever looking at your blog, and therefore, you can't really be embarrassed, can you?

But what if someone occasionally accidentally comes across my blog and sees it and goes "pfffffffffffffffffft. What a lame-o. She doesn't have even one follower."

However, this blog is not really written with the main purpose of having others read it. It's more of a diary for now. And maybe a way for family members to keep up with us, since they live so far away these days. if any of them ever think to look at it. I don't think they do very regularly, even though it's linked on my facebook page.

And maybe someday, Eric will log onto it in Afghanistan, and be able to read stuff I wrote a long time ago, or recently, and maybe not feel so far away.

And maybe in a hundred years, when my kids are grown and have their own kids, they will be able to find this stupid little blog on the internet, and see how their mom dealt with the challenges and handled the fears and uncertainties of being the young mom to young kids who is also married to a soldier in a time of war.

Or not.

Time will tell, I guess.

Fears

This is a picture of me and my very best friend in the whole, wide world. I love him so much.

He's leaving next year to go to a far-away country and fight in a war. I will miss him so much, and I'm scared.

I have so much fear. I'm afraid that I'm not strong enough to handle things alone while he's gone. I'm afraid I'll fail my kids.

I'm afraid that we won't know each other when he gets back.

I'm afraid that he will get hurt.

Most of all, I'm afraid that he won't come back at all.

While he's there, I know that there will always be someone trying to kill him. That his life will really, truly be in danger. That thought makes my stomach turn.

How did I get to a point in my life where I am having to imagine that situation? It boggles my mind.

He's going to be home for about 11 more months. I don't want that time to be colored by the fears. But the fears aren't going anywhere.

So I guess I have to accept them, and learn to find joy in spite of them.

And saying that is the easy part...

Understanding...

It's hard to find sometimes.

Actually, I think most of the time, it's pretty much out of our reach. Or at least it is for me, anyway.

In the big things, of course. Little things are easy to understand. Like, why did Caleb and Nate destroy the living room for the 700th time today? Because I was in the shower and I wasn't down there to tell them not to, of course. Or why is this rice so crunchy? Because I forgot about it and cooked it too long.

But I have been struggling lately with some of the bigger questions in my life. Questions about this military life, and why God is asking me to live it when I am just not even close to being strong enough. Questions about why God is asking us to go through certain things, and also questions about why we have to go through them at what seems to us to be a really, really bad time.

I guess everybody asks similar questions about the situations in their own lives. It's easy to get wrapped up in my own problems and forget that they really aren't anything that countless others haven't gone through. Nothing special here. Of course, that truth usually doesn't do much in the way of comfort. And it certainly doesn't help in the attitude department. Not for me, at least.

I've been asking God "why" a lot these past few days. About a lot of things, really. About why He allows certain things to happen, why He gives me challenges that I have no desire to meet, and takes away things that my heart really wanted.

Why does God want me to be exhausted, stressed, frustrated, lonely, overwhelmed and broken-hearted?

The answer that seems obvious to me is that I've done too many things wrong. I don't have the right attitude, I'm not grateful enough. I don't work hard enough, I'm not supportive enough, I complain too much. The hard things in my life don't make me stronger, they just make me sadder. When am I going to get it right?

I read this in my Bible reading 2 nights ago:

As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"
"Neither this man nor his parents sinned", said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life". -- John 9:1-3

I wasn't searching for anything like this, it just happened to be what I was supposed to read that night for my Bible-reading plan. It really stuck in my mind, because it kind of puts a new perspective on why I might be having to go through certain things. Maybe it's not because I've done something wrong. Obviously, I've done lots of things wrong. I am a very, very flawed person. But maybe that's not the reason that God puts these things in my life that I don't want. Or takes things out that I do want. Maybe He has a plan to show His glory through my circumstances. I can't understand it, and I may never even see how He accomplishes it. It is comforting to know that God can use me, in spite of my pathetic failures-maybe even because of them. I know I'm not there yet, but I am praying for God to help me to feel peace in whatever my circumstances are, knowing that He can use those circumstances to bring Himself glory. One thing that I struggle with is not knowing how or why, though. Just when I think I am understanding something, and have an idea of what God is doing, it all flips upside down, and I'm left feeling like an idiot.

And then last night, I read this (again, it was just in my reading plan) :

Now we see but a poor reflection, as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. --1 Cor. 13:12


So maybe what I need to learn is that I don't have to understand now. Here is the promise that I will understand someday. It doesn't make sense to me now, but someday it will. It will be perfectly, crystal clear.

It's kind of exciting to think about. The struggles and uncertainty are only temporary. Just like everything else in this life on Earth. But the joy and complete understanding that we will have in Heaven will last forever.

Mother's Day Weekend in Pictures

So it was Mother's Day! I know I was really mad in my last post, but after reading the verses I added to the end of it, I asked God to help me be happy and to learn to let things go, especially when I have no control of them, so that I can enjoy the time that we do have together. And also so that I don't make Eric and the boys feel bad because I'm angry that we're not having enough time.

And so, having resolved to be happy and enjoy every moment of the weekend (even though there were fewer moments than we wanted to have), I decided to take pictures of pretty much everything we did, and post them on here in a blog. Now Eric and I can pull the blog up on our blackberries anytime this week, and think about all the fun stuff we managed to cram into 3/4 of a weekend!

I'm starting with a picture that we actually took at the end of the weekend. We decided to take some family pictures for Mother's Day, and this one is my favorite. We took them in our own back yard with a tripod. I'm sure the neighbors thought we looked silly, but I love the pictures we got, so I don't care. :)

And now we will go back to the beginning! Let's start on Friday. *Please excuse the quality of the rest of the pictures. I took them on my blackberry camera, which is-as we all know-crappity.

We decided that a date night was in order, considering the fact that we will only see each other for a day and a half out of the next 2 weeks. I knew Iron Man 2 was coming out on Friday, and I also knew that Eric would LOVE to see it. So I dropped Caleb off at school and went down to the theater to buy tickets for it. I went early in the day because Fairbanks only has one theater, and when something popular comes out, you better get your tickets early! I was glad I did, too, because so many people were there buying Iron Man tickets!

When we got to the theater, Nate recognized that this is the place where Daddy recently took him to see How to Train Your Dragon. He got very excited and started talking about the "dwagons". I bought the tickets, knowing all along that when I had to take him out of that theater without going to see the "dwagons", this was going to happen:

And it did! I felt kinda bad for him. I had to pick him up and carry him to the car, and I promised him some gold fish later, so it was all good.

We went to the movie around 7. I did not enjoy the first Iron Man, so I was expecting to be bored, but I actually really enjoyed it! And of course the best part was getting some alone time with my very best buddy!

This picture was after the movie. At around 9:30. Gaining a lot of daylight now!

And where were the boys while Eric and I were out? Why, they were with our good friends, the Shirleys! And they had such a blast, too! Sam enjoyed the baby pod seat:

And Caleb and Nate enjoyed going out to the playground with Addison!

Ok, so that's Friday. Moving on the Saturday. First Eric had to work. It wasn't as upsetting as I thought it would be, partly because he was only there for a few hours, and partly because I was busy at an FRG committee meeting. After that, we dropped the van off at Walmart to have the oil changed, had lunch, went for a drive, and then went to Pioneer Park! The boys love the playground there.

Nate enjoyed the swings and the slide. I didn't get a picture of him on the slide because there were always other kids in the way! Bummer! But isn't he cute on the swing?

Even Sam got to get in on the action. Here he is in his first ever ride on a swing!

So when we got home that night, after the boys were in bed, Eric and I decided to go a little crazy. One of the rear turn signals on the van had gone out, so we decided to have Eric teach me how to replace it. I wanted to learn in case I need to replace one while he's in the field or deployed, and I'd rather do it myself than take it to a shop and pay, and be told that I need $10,000 worth of work done because I'm a woman and they think I don't know anything about cars. They're right, by the way, but still.

This is real Army wife stuff, just so you know. :)

Here is our newly replaced turn signal bulb, replaced, of course, by me! Yay!

And while we were out there, I asked Eric to show me how to change a tire. So here I am taking the tire off, and then putting it back on. So now I know what to do in case I ever have a flat! And I got very, very dirty!

Man, that stuff was fun!

Ok, moving on to Mother's Day itself. We went out to a Chinese restaurant in town. I love Chinese food, but we almost never eat it. Ask Eric why. Ahem......

Anyway, his food came with an orange as a garnish, and they cut the peel like this:

...which I thought was cool enough to take a picture of.

And of course, there were gifts. I don't have pictures of all the gifts yet, but those are coming! Eric did a hand and foot print project for me with the boys, and Caleb made me this little bowl in school:

And there you have it. Mother's Day weekend. It was packed full of fun stuff, and I am so glad we got to enjoy it all together!

I love you, Eric! See you soon!

Ok, I have 15 minutes to write this...

I am so mad.

There. I got that out of the way first.

I took the boys to the bike rodeo at Caleb's school last night. I got them on their little bikes, put Sam in the stroller, and we walked the half-mile to the school. It was fun, and they were cute. A little stressful to keep all three safe on their wheels, but fun. See:



Anyway, Eric met us at the school and we walked home together. I was enjoying the family walk in the nice weather until he was casually mentioning that he would be leaving for the field on Monday (which I knew) and getting back on Saturday (which I did not know. I thought he was coming home Friday).

You're probably thinking, "so what's the big deal? It's just one more day.". And you're right. It is just one more day. The reason I got mad over that is because he is turning around to leave again on Monday for another week. I was looking forward to having that whole weekend in-between to break up the field time, but now we will only have half of it.

So I fumed for a few hours, and was starting to get over it by the time we went to bed. And then he came home for breakfast today and said that he has to work tomorrow, also. So they are taking a huge chunk of this weekend as well.

And now I'm really mad. Spitting-nails mad.

I could go on and on and on about how stupid it is, and how unfair, and how much I hate it, and I probably would if I had time. But I don't, so maybe that's a good thing.

I've heard from a couple other wives about these last-minute changes to the schedule, and they are just ho-hum-ok-whatever about it. I want to be that way. It is my goal to be the kind of wife that just says "ok", and moves on, making the best of what tiny little amount of time the army gives her with her husband in all of it's benevolent kindness (oops, here comes the sarcasm and bitterness). I really want to be that way.

But the truth is I just don't know how. Can't figure it out. No idea.

I don't know how to not get angry over stuff like this.

I didn't read my Bible last night, so I sat down to catch up on it today, thinking that I might read something that will help. So guess what I came across?

People with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great foolishness. --Proverbs 14:29

My heart rejoices in the Lord, the Lord has made me strong. 1 Samuel 2:1

Coincidence?