What I Learned in 2012

I learned a big lesson in 2012. My sister taught me. Her name, if you don't already know, was Jessica Hope. She was amazing. Big-hearted, loving, loyal, and generous. She was rambunctious and fearless. She could rip you apart with her words, but she would forgive all 5 minutes later and speak the most encouraging words you'd ever hear. She was full of love for everyone. She was talented, artistic, and creative, and beautiful.
November 29th, 2012 was her 27th birthday. She died that night from a combination of alcohol and narcotic pain relievers. I knew that she was struggling with a substance abuse problem. I had known it for years. I saw how it was affecting her, and it was painful for me, so I turned my face away. I didn't want to watch her struggle. I always thought she'd eventually get better, though. I thought we had so much more time.
I thought there was more time, and that she would get better, but I was wrong. And now I can never tell her that I'm sorry. Sorry for not trying to help her. Sorry for not taking more time to talk to her and for not telling her how wonderful I always thought she was. Sorry for not even telling her that the reason I didn't talk to her as much was because I loved her and didn't want to have to think about her hurting herself. Sorry for being so unbelievably, disgustingly selfish and not even knowing it.
What if God treated me the way that I treated Jess? If anyone has the right to turn away from someone who is making bad choices, it's God. But He doesn't. How very selfish and arrogant of me. How vile and depraved. I have refused to give mercy while at the same time having it lavished on me by the only One who really knows just how much I do not deserve it. How can that even be possible?
The love of God is amazing. Unfathomable. Incredible. We say that all the time, and at times it becomes almost cliche. Jessica opened my eyes to what those words really mean. I am amazed that God could see down to the depths of my selfish, prideful heart and love me anyway. That is truly amazing.
That's what I learned this year. I should have known it a long time ago, but I was blind. Jessica helped me see. My prayer for 2013 is that I will carry that lesson through the year and apply it to every circumstance that I encounter. That I will give love and mercy freely, as it has been given to me. And that I will learn from my mistakes and honor the memory of my precious sister. I am so thankful for Jessica. I love her so much. I can't wait for the day when I can look her in the face and tell her so.