Divided Heart

Jeremiah 29:13  You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.

I "happened" across this verse in my quiet time with God tonight.  I have been pretty down on my deployment life today.  I try to maintain a heart of gratitude that we are in the place that God has led us to, but as time stretches on, the days that I am actually able to feel grateful are spaced further and further apart. Today was not one of those days.  I'm really feeling the separation, and it's painful.  After I got the boys to bed, I sat down with my Bible and my journal.  Throughout deployment, this has been the only thing that brings me any real peace, and I wanted some peace tonight.

When my kids are in bed and my house is quiet, and my husband is on the other side of the world with no access to communication equipment...my heart hurts and gets lonely.  And there is nowhere for it to go but to God.  All opportunities to pour it into someone or something else are gone.  When I look at deployment from this perspective, asking our family to do it is an amazing act of mercy on the part of an awesome God.  Before going through it, I had no idea how truly divided my heart was.  I didn't realized how much of it I held back from God.  And I didn't know what it meant to really "find" God, because I had never really felt pressed to look.

I like the way this song phrases it:

"I surrender it all, I lay it before You.
 For all of my days, I'll give You the glory.
 You called me to see my heart is divided,
 Lord, take all of me, for I have decided
 I count it all as loss, compared to knowing You,
My God."
                                                    -Count it All by John Waller

Good song!  I recommend listening to it!  I would embed a video, but I can't find one. 

Oh well.