I am posting this because I can't figure out any other way to keep the video.  This is the most recent video of my sister that I have been able to see.

What I Learned in 2012

I learned a big lesson in 2012. My sister taught me. Her name, if you don't already know, was Jessica Hope. She was amazing. Big-hearted, loving, loyal, and generous. She was rambunctious and fearless. She could rip you apart with her words, but she would forgive all 5 minutes later and speak the most encouraging words you'd ever hear. She was full of love for everyone. She was talented, artistic, and creative, and beautiful.
November 29th, 2012 was her 27th birthday. She died that night from a combination of alcohol and narcotic pain relievers. I knew that she was struggling with a substance abuse problem. I had known it for years. I saw how it was affecting her, and it was painful for me, so I turned my face away. I didn't want to watch her struggle. I always thought she'd eventually get better, though. I thought we had so much more time.
I thought there was more time, and that she would get better, but I was wrong. And now I can never tell her that I'm sorry. Sorry for not trying to help her. Sorry for not taking more time to talk to her and for not telling her how wonderful I always thought she was. Sorry for not even telling her that the reason I didn't talk to her as much was because I loved her and didn't want to have to think about her hurting herself. Sorry for being so unbelievably, disgustingly selfish and not even knowing it.
What if God treated me the way that I treated Jess? If anyone has the right to turn away from someone who is making bad choices, it's God. But He doesn't. How very selfish and arrogant of me. How vile and depraved. I have refused to give mercy while at the same time having it lavished on me by the only One who really knows just how much I do not deserve it. How can that even be possible?
The love of God is amazing. Unfathomable. Incredible. We say that all the time, and at times it becomes almost cliche. Jessica opened my eyes to what those words really mean. I am amazed that God could see down to the depths of my selfish, prideful heart and love me anyway. That is truly amazing.
That's what I learned this year. I should have known it a long time ago, but I was blind. Jessica helped me see. My prayer for 2013 is that I will carry that lesson through the year and apply it to every circumstance that I encounter. That I will give love and mercy freely, as it has been given to me. And that I will learn from my mistakes and honor the memory of my precious sister. I am so thankful for Jessica. I love her so much. I can't wait for the day when I can look her in the face and tell her so.

Halloween: Scary is Fun?

I hate Halloween.  Call me a Halloween Scrooge.  Ba!  Humbug!

I didn't always hate it.  I used to participate and as a new mom, really enjoyed dressing my baby boy as the cutest pumpkin ever.  But as that boy got bigger, and we added a couple more to the quiver, the costumes in their sizes went from cute pumpkins to vampires and zombies and ghosts and such.  We decided very early on that our kids could dress up, but never as anything "evil" or supernatural.  They don't fight it too much, as they want to be super heroes or GI Joe anyway.  But as the years have continued to pass, I have noticed more and more of what my children are actually exposed to at this time of the year, and it gets me pretty unhappy!  I don't allow my kids to eat garbage, right?  So why in the world would I allow them to put garbage in their minds??

I hate the thought of my little boys lying awake at night, imagining some demonic monster from a cartoon or their pal's halloween costume lurking in their closet.  I know kids will be scared at times anyway, but I will do everything in my power to protect them from unnecessary exposure to things that will make it worse.

Last year, when Eric was gone, I finally came to a point where I had to decide to protect my own mind that way, too.  Sleeping alone for a year through a dark, cold winter was not easy.  There were many nights where some little noise had me up all night, shaking in fear.  I realized that almost everything I imagined could be making that noise was something terrible from some horror movie I had seen.  And so I decided that from then on, I was opting out of anything and everything horror or scary or occultish or graphically violent.  And I asked God to renew my mind, and clean out the old images that kept me awake at night.  Some of them were as old as accidental exposure to Freddy Krueger as a kid!

So anyway, a few minutes ago, I was scrolling through facebook and came across an ad for Paranormal Activity 4.  You know, the series of movies about a demon stalking families and killing them?  Yeah, that one.  I know what it's about because I watched the first 2.  Mistake!  Talk about scary images to keep you up at night.  The ad had the trailer right there so it just took one click to watch it.  I thought about it.  Just out of curiosity..."what will the stupid premise be this time?  It won't bother me, it's been so long since I have seen anything scary, and I really feel like God has cleaned out a lot of the old junk that used to effect me.  It's been a good long time since I've been up, afraid at night or had a disturbing image from a movie come to my mind.  It will be fine to just watch this preview, right?  Just to see...?..."

NOPE!  I almost did it, and then I just had this overwhelming sense of "NOPE.  PASS.  UNNECESSARY, AND DON'T".  Maybe it was prompting from the Holy Spirit, protecting me from putting more of that junk into my mind again.  Even in just a small dose.

Maybe I sound oversensitive to some, but I don't care.  I really think that our culture these days doesn't realize how accepting we have become of watching other people suffer in terrible ways as entertainment.  Even if it is fake, it still looks real, and the image becomes a memory that is very hard to get rid of.

So now all my friends know why I suddenly started turning green and running away whenever talk of going to see some new, scary movie came up.  Or, at least any of them who might read this...   :)

And yeah, Halloween... Boooo!

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.

Philippians 4:8 

S'up?

Hello, my many readers ;-)

I have been sooo bad about updating this.  I think I can count the number of times I blogged through deployment on one hand.  Which is pretty sad, considering all of the learning and growing that went on during that time.  It could have been a great time to share what God was doing in our lives.  On the other hand, it was a very emotional time, and sometimes it's better to let a storm pass before I open my mouth to talk about it...you know, gain a little perspective on it from somewhere other then the very middle of it.

Anyway, what's done is done, and here I am now, blogging again.  Can't promise I'll be any more faithful in this, but I will say that I have felt very inspired to share lately.  God has been so faithful to me and my family these past few hard years, and there's so much about Him that I just want to talk about.    I know only a few people read this, but it's still a way to share, and I guess that's why I'm feeling led here.

A quick summary of what's going on in our family at the moment:

Eric is getting back into a normal, non-deployment work routine.  So far, he's had very reasonable hours, in spite of the fact that he's picked up a lot more responsibility lately.  Nothing like the crazy 14 hour workdays where he was gone from before the boys got up until after they went to bed.  At least not yet!  He's done so well at his job, and I'm so proud of him!  He also works hard at home to help me around the house, and is very purposeful about spending time with the boys.  We are very blessed, happy, and thankful to have him home again!

Caleb is, of course, out of school for the summer.  I love spending my days with all 3 of my boys, and we are taking advantage of everything Fairbanks has to offer, particularly the weather!  We spend lots of time at playgrounds and taking walks on trails.  We also love to frequent the library, and one of our favorite regular events is the dollar movie day at the local movie theater.  I'm pretty sure that Nate is going through a growth spurt, as my picky eater has been asking for seconds and thirds at almost every meal!  And Sam is rapidly changing from toddler to boy.  He is the most rough-and-tumble of my three rough-and-tumbling boys.  He has no fear, and never, ever lacks enthusiasm or energy.  All 3 of them are at fun stages and parenting them is a blast (and also good cardio)!

I just got back from a whirlwind trip to North and South Carolina to see my beautiful sister get married.  While I was down there, I was blessed to get to spend some quality time with several other very dear family members.  It was amazing to see everyone!  I am so thankful I was able to go.  I got home a few nights ago, and am now slowly getting back into the swing of things.  Life has been in a happy state of upheaval since April, when Eric got home.  My normal, scheduled life had to become very, very flexible, and a lot of my routines went out the window.  Now that Eric is getting back to a normal schedule at work, I am excited to get back to a normal schedule at home.

Ok, so I kind of got the "what's happening" stuff out of the way.  I've had several times where I wanted to write about certain things, but thought it might be weird to just jump in, talking about some random topic, when I haven't updated in so long.  So now I consider myself free to write about all that other random stuff that I have the desire to write about.  I'm sure you're thrilled :-D

Be back soon!

........maybe.....

  

Kid Quotes for the Day

Some of my favorite quotes from today:

Nate to Caleb:  "Caleb, tell Mommy about that evil kid that stole your snow pants at school!"
Caleb forgot his snow pants one day, so he went to borrow some of the school's.  Apparently, he grabbed a pair, and then realized he had forgotten something, so he laid them down to go get it.  When he got back, another kid was putting the snow pants on.  They were the last pair of snow pants available, and Caleb's sense of fairness was greatly wounded.  As was Nate's, obviously.  I smiled inside when I heard this, though, because it shows that my boys are now having conversations like friends, telling each other about their day.  Love it!

Sam to no one in particular:  "Go, go Power Win-jahs!" 
Power Rangers-he is in love with this show now.  I had a headache yesterday and sat down to watch a Power Ranger marathon with him and Nate. I have to say, that is one of the worst shows of all time.  But I had an absolute blast watching it with them!  They love to get up and mimic the fight scenes, complete with sound effects.  They are true boys, to the core!

Caleb to his teacher:  "A drone, because all they do is lay around and get fed."
He was asked on a test which kind of bee he would prefer to be and why, and this was his answer.  His teacher still gave him some credit, but she marked underneath is "no, they go out and find the food.".  Even though it is a little disturbing to hear him speak so unashamedly of his desire to be lazy...this still made me laugh pretty hard.  Hey, maybe he's just being honest.  He is a pretty hard-working kid.  I've asked a lot more of him since his dad has been gone then I would have under normal circumstances.

Nate to me:  "Dis is a great wunch, Mommy!"
The boys had-per their special request-plain hamburger buns for part of their lunch today.  Nate was overjoyed and talked about it all day.  He is my picky eater, so it was sweet to hear him enjoy his food so much.

I have awesome kids.  They may be a lot of work, but they are definitely more then worth it!  Love 'em!   

The Broken Glasses Saga

Well...I broke my glasses.  It was a bummer.  I loved those glasses.  They were so cute.  And Eric loved them, too.  But alas, they fell off a stack of books I was carrying across the kitchen and broke right in half.  I put them in the case and went to bed, hoping that I would wake up in the morning and they would somehow be back together again...but obviously, that did not happen.

So I'm pretty blind these days.  Thankfully, I haven't had to leave the house too much, and when I have, it's been during the day so I can wear my prescription sun glasses.  I've had a lot of headaches these past few days, though.  Not being able to see is not fun.  I don't know how people managed it before the modern technology of glasses.

I wanted to rush out the day they broke and get new ones.  But we're not in Kansas anymore, Toto.  And by Kansas, I of course mean, anywhere in the US besides Alaska.  There were literally no options in town for me to go and get new glasses that day.  The soonest I could get in was today, 3 days later.  I couldn't find anyone that could make glasses on their premises and get me in with their eye doctor, so I had an exam at one place and took the prescription to another to have the lenses cut and buy the frames.

The exam was done in the optical department of a large discount shopping club store that I will not name in case I'm not allowed to.  The doctor was really nice, and did a quick exam and didn't mind my 3 kids cartwheeling around the exam room the whole time.  The receptionist was also nice, and even offered to watch my kids for me during my exam, but the optical department is not at all closed off from the rest of the store.  Right after she offered, she turned to answer the phone, talk to a customer and work on the computer all at the same time, with her back completely to my boys.  I could just picture them wandering off and getting lost forever in the store...or worse.  She insisted on doing it several times, even after I told her that I didn't think it was a good idea.  So when the doctor finally called me back, I just took them with me.  Yeah....you guessed it.  She never even noticed.  Not an ideal babysitting scenario...

Thanks for the nice thought, ma'am, but these boys are eyes-on, all the time.  Eyes.  On.  And the ruckus they made in the exam room is nothing compared to the chaos I would have caused if I came out and they were gone or hurt.  I realize that they are loud and don't always behave, but I LOVE them.  Heck, I even like them :)  And I kinda want to make sure they're safe.

Anyway...that place takes 2 weeks to get glasses ready for you.  I generally can't go 2 weeks without using my eyes, so I took the prescription to a clinic on post.  I was pretty nervous about picking something ugly, since I have never had to choose glasses without input from the most important person (my husband!), but lucky for me, the clerk was about my age and not busy so she helped me a lot and gave me feedback about what was cute and what was NOT cute.  I ended up picking some that I liked and feel pretty good about.

So my new glasses will be ready by tomorrow afternoon.  Praise the Lord!  It's only been a few days without, but boy do you realize what a luxury eye glasses are when you break yours in half in Fairbanks, Alaska!

Getting Closer!

I was thinking last night that the stop-mail date (the date at which it is too late in deployment to send soldiers mail, because they won't be there long enough to get it) is coming up within a few weeks.  Once we hit that date, we are so very close to being together again.  I guess I hadn't allowed myself to think about how close that date was because the fact that there are still a few months left of deployment is painful to dwell on.  I know that at this point, it should all be eager anticipation, but after this very difficult deployment for our brigade, there is still a lot of fear.  They are still over there, and even though it's not for too much longer, it only takes a moment for tragedy to occur.

The nearness of the date did finally dawn on me last night, though.  And it feels pretty cool to have come so far.  It's hard to describe how the time has passed.  In a way, it feels like it's been forever, and in another way, it feels like he has hardly been gone at all.  

Along with the excitement of the ever-closer redeployment date...and the fear that it will never come for us, is a sense of urgency.  Have I learned what God had for me to learn during this time?  Am I going to end up where He wants me when it's over?  If I'm not on the right track for that, I only have a little bit of time to get there.  As hard as deployment is, I have tried throughout it to view it as a special opportunity from God to get to know Him better and to strengthen my faith in Him.  Lots of people live with certain issues most of their lives, placing them on the back burners of their hearts because nothing challenges them in doing that.  Living under constant pressure, pain, and fear forces such issues up to the forefront, where they demand to be dealt with.   It reveals what is really in the heart, both strengths and weaknesses.  You learn pretty quickly how much you really, honestly do trust God, and when the question is whether or not you get your spouse back, I think most of us find that the amount of real trust is pretty small.  It also brings forth opportunities to share faith that don't happen when life is normal and easy.  You meet people that don't know the Lord through the Army, and the stress and fear that we are all living with can bring Him and His peace up in many, many conversations. 

I will be glad (really, really super-duper glad!) when deployment is over, but it is definitely a gift from God in my life, and I don't want to waste any part of it.  My goal for the next few months is to ask God to show me how to finish it well.  To have my eyes open to what He has left for me to do and learn in this season of my life.  And not to do what feels natural, which is to check out and find distractions to get it over with as quickly as possible.

Ecclesiastes 7:14a  In the day of prosperity be happy, but in the day of adversity consider-God has made the one as well as the other...

Divided Heart

Jeremiah 29:13  You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.

I "happened" across this verse in my quiet time with God tonight.  I have been pretty down on my deployment life today.  I try to maintain a heart of gratitude that we are in the place that God has led us to, but as time stretches on, the days that I am actually able to feel grateful are spaced further and further apart. Today was not one of those days.  I'm really feeling the separation, and it's painful.  After I got the boys to bed, I sat down with my Bible and my journal.  Throughout deployment, this has been the only thing that brings me any real peace, and I wanted some peace tonight.

When my kids are in bed and my house is quiet, and my husband is on the other side of the world with no access to communication equipment...my heart hurts and gets lonely.  And there is nowhere for it to go but to God.  All opportunities to pour it into someone or something else are gone.  When I look at deployment from this perspective, asking our family to do it is an amazing act of mercy on the part of an awesome God.  Before going through it, I had no idea how truly divided my heart was.  I didn't realized how much of it I held back from God.  And I didn't know what it meant to really "find" God, because I had never really felt pressed to look.

I like the way this song phrases it:

"I surrender it all, I lay it before You.
 For all of my days, I'll give You the glory.
 You called me to see my heart is divided,
 Lord, take all of me, for I have decided
 I count it all as loss, compared to knowing You,
My God."
                                                    -Count it All by John Waller

Good song!  I recommend listening to it!  I would embed a video, but I can't find one. 

Oh well.     

Rest and Recuperation

Also known as "R and R".  The 2 week break soldiers get during a deployment that is over 9 months long.  Most Army deployments (until the recent change that no one has yet benefited from) are 12 months or longer, so an Army deployment always starts out with the question of when R/R will be.

Eric's R/R was originally scheduled for late January, which was my preference, since I knew that the day he left again would be excruciatingly painful, and I wanted to be able to comfort myself and the kids with the knowledge that it would only be another 2 months or so before he came back for good.  When he left in April, I couldn't even stand to think about the fact that I wouldn't see him again for 9 months, but I knew that when the leave date came and went, I would be glad we waited.  Right around Halloween time, he called me to say that he was told he had to change it to an earlier date, and that he had opted for Christmastime.  I was pretty angry at first, since this would meant a longer wait after R/R, and it was very frustrating because at the time, he had very limited access to communications, and we only had 15 minutes to talk and I didn't know when he would call again.  When he left, I resigned myself to not spending any holidays together, and had had 7 months to accept that fact that we wouldn't have Christmas together.  I worked through my disappointment, though, and soon was very excited to have our family together for Christmas.

As the time got closer for him to come home and I got more and more excited, time did what it always does in situations like that, and came to a screeching halt.  I spent a lot of time getting the house ready, cleaning and decorating, and just trying to set it up so that we could relax and enjoy each other's company.  I practiced making the meals he loves and his favorite cookies.  We were able to talk every day while he was on his way  home, and the whole process took about 2 weeks.  I couldn't even believe it when the day finally came!

It almost felt like a dream, as I was getting dressed that morning and getting the boys sleepover bags ready.  Around lunch time, I dropped them off with some of our good friends and headed off to the airport.  I wanted to get there early so I would have time to get through security and meet him at the gate.  I got to the airport 2 hours early, and this being Fairbanks....I made it through security in about 4 1/2 minutes.  There were no lines anywhere.  So I had almost 2 hours to wait very, very anxiously!  There was no one there when I arrived, but as the time for his flight neared, the waiting area filled up with people waiting for the departing flight.  It got pretty crowded. When the door was finally opened and the passengers started coming out, I stood where I could see the door and finally-there he was!  I saw his black beanie hat first, towering over everyone else's heads, of course.

We drove home and the whole way I just kept looking over at him and saying "I can't believe you're home!"  It was the most amazing feeling.  We went to get the boys in the morning, and reintroducing them to their dad was a bit of a process.  The little ones were very intimidated and hesitant at first, which is totally normal after 8 months of separation.  It took maybe an hour or so for Nate to finally be ready for a hug, and Sam a little longer.  By the end of the day, all three were stuck to their dad like glue  There was a lot of wrestling in this house!

We spent most of R/R relaxing at home and taking the boys to do fun things like bowling, the movies and the indoor playground.  Eric and I had a few really wonderful dates!  We drove out to Chena Hot Springs once, and another night a friend watched the boys so we could go out to a nice restaurant, play glow-in-the-dark putt-putt, and go see Mission Impossible 48 (or whatever number they're on) on the Imax screen.  We let the boys stay up past their bedtimes most nights, and Eric and I were up until 3 or so pretty much every night.  Exhausting, but so much fun!

It went by much to fast, though, of course.  I prayed before he came and while he was here that God would help me keep the next big goodbye off my mind, so that we could just enjoy the time we had, and for the most part, I was able to.  It broke in every now and then and Eric and I would talk about it, but mostly we just had fun.  The last day before he left, it hit me pretty hard, though.  There were lots of tears.  It's true that this time is going to be less then half of what we have already done, but this time I know what he is going back to, and it's not a safe place.  After having to live with knowing he was in danger and having to adjust to running the house alone for such a long time, it was just so, so wonderful to have him safe and right beside me.  Knowing we had to go back to the way things have been all this time just felt unimaginably cruel.

We stayed up together all night the last night.  We each took a 20-minute "power nap", so we could squeeze in as much time together as possible before he left.  His flight was in the morning and we had to get everyone up and ready so we could see him off at the gate.

Driving to the airport, it occurred to me how lucky I am.  Even with this huge, heavy pain on my heart, I was still enjoying my husband's company.  I am so blessed to be in a marriage where we enjoy each other so much. 

We got to the airport and went through security.  It was a morning flight, so the airport was pretty busy-meaning it took about 40 minutes to get through security.  When we got to the gate, they were already boarding, so we didn't have too much time for goodbyes.  He waited until they were about to close the doors to go, and about 7 or 8 minutes before that, Nate realized what was going on.  he was thoroughly devastated.  Nate hates to draw attention to himself and never cries loudly in public, so it absolutely ripped us in  half to see him do it then, and to that degree.  After Eric left, it took me a good 45 minutes to get him calm enough to walk towards the exit.  Caleb was tearful too, and Sam was just toddling around with a "what the heck??" expression on his face.  It was definitely an overwhelming morning, and it left me feeling about 2 inches tall and completely drained.

The day was mostly a blur.  I was able to talk to Eric between his flights, which helped a lot with the pain.  When he leaves like this, it feels like such a huge loss, because the time is so long and it changes our lives so drastically.  It definitely starts a grieving process, and hearing from him after he leaves helps to reassure me that it's not a permanent loss, and he isn't gone, he's just away for a while.  Anyway, the day eventually went by and at about 8:15 I realized that if I didn't go to sleep soon I might die, so I headed up to bed.  Just as I was laying down, Eric called to say that he had gotten to a hotel for the night, and I got to fall asleep with the sound of his voice still in my ears, and I slept all the way through the night.

So we are back to our "temporary normal".  We are still reeling some from the pain of the goodbye, but we are gradually feeling better.  I think once we get up and go to church tomorrow, we will start feeling more normal.  Things are kind of surreal right now. Hopefully getting back into normal routines will help the time go by quickly until he is back for good.

To sum up our R/R, I would say that it was probably the happiest, most wonderful 2 weeks of my life, and that it was more then worth the hurt that came at the end.  I love that man with all my heart, and I'm so blessed to be married to a true hero.  Can't wait to see him again in a few months!

Quiet Waters

I read the 23rd Psalm last night.  I've read it a million times, of course.  It's a pretty common one.  I even have it memorized, like most kids who grew up in Awana do.  But last night, verse 2 really stuck out to me.  Specifically the second line, "He leads me beside quiet waters."

My family loves water.  We love it all-rivers, lakes, oceans...ponds...tributaries...puddles.  All of it.  We've spent a lot of quality family time next to water.  When we lived on the East Coast we were able to go to the beach pretty often, and we loved to do that together.  One of our favorites was Rehobeth Beach in Delaware.  It was about a 2 hour drive from our home in Silver Spring, Maryland, so we would leave early and spend the day there playing in the sand with Caleb and Nate, and then we would eat at Cracker Barrel before coming home.  Sweet memories!

Now that we live in Alaska, we aren't really close enough to any beaches to go very often.  I don't think Alaska's beaches are really suited to the kind of beach activities that East Coast-ers (I made a word!) are used to, anyway.  But we have so many beautiful rivers and ponds!  We have found so many lovely little spots where the water is so calm and quiet.  One of our family's favorite summer activities is to find a nice spot by some water and grill some dinner, roast marshmallows, wade around until our feet hurt from the cold, explore up and down the shore, and, of course, skip rocks!  Many times, I have sat beside a gorgeous river or lake and just closed my eyes and taken in the quiet peacefulness of it.  Stillness, calm and quiet. 

Last spring, Eric and I were tremendously blessed in being able to take a just-the-two-of-us trip to Maui for our (early) 10th Anniversary.  While we were there, we visited the famous Black Sand Beach.  Very cool place!  The ocean there is very dangerous, though.  They had signs up warning against swimming.  The surf is very rough, there are huge rocks everywhere, and there are sharks and man of war jellyfish in the water.  

The water at the Black Sand Beach in Maui is definitely not quiet.  It is always violently churning. Waves crash down on the jagged rocks constantly.  There are many dangers below, hidden by the wild thrashing of the surface.  It's very loud, very unsafe water.  If I had to classify this deployment as any type of water, that would be it.

There are the obvious fears and pain that buffet me constantly-separation from the most important person in my life, extended lack of communication with him, news of casualties and catastrophic injuries.  The constant wondering if the next moment will be the one where I hear the life-changing knock on my front door.  The discouragement of having to handle all of the parenting and running of the household alone.  Every diaper change, every bad dream, every meal, every load of laundry, every juice stain in the carpet, every trip to the store, every doctor's appointment...all of these things and everything else, I have to handle, with no partner to support me in it when I become overwhelmed.  What we army wives affectionately call "Murphy's Law of Deployment" (if it can break, explode, lose it's mind, disintegrate, run away with the spoon, or otherwise cause significant stress to you while your husband is deployed, it WILL) has slammed me recently with both of our cars breaking down within days of each other.  The hand injury I sustained trying way too many times to start our worthless lawn mower is going from bad to worse and is really becoming a source of frustration for me.  The list goes on.

  And then roiling below the surface is the paralyzing sense of dread that the worst could happen at any moment, and that what I now see as a temporary hardship will become permanent.  I'm not going to go in-depth about that fear and all the million different aspects of it, because it's too painful, but it is there, and there are many times where I feel like it's just waiting to devour me.

Yes, I can say that I do feel battered and tossed about by the violent sea that is this deployment.

But...

"He leads me beside quiet waters."

Such truth in those words!  The long, harsh, lonely nights afford me the perfect opportunity to steal away from the chaos of everyday life and find a quiet place alone with God.  If only I would choose to take it more often!  His Word is living and active and it speaks fresh wisdom and comfort to me every time I open it.  I find there the hope that absolutely nothing in this life is permanent.  Good things pass away, but so does pain, and one day pain will pass away forever (can I get an Amen??).  I find the hope that I will most definitely see Eric again, even if my worst fear comes true.  I find comfort in knowing that this trial we are going through is being used by God to bring about good. And that no matter how scary things get, we are each held solidly in the palm of His hand, from which we can never be removed.  I find that nothing can harm me or my family.  Things may happen that feel harmful, but God in His infinite wisdom allows them to happen out of love, because He knows that there is not harm in them, but good.  Good that I will one day understand.

In Him I find peace.  He takes my soul from this:

   

To this:

   

He leads me beside quiet waters.

He restores my soul

Oh, hello!

Well, I was just thinking recently that it's been quite a while since I posted anything here, and I suppose it's about time for an update!  So here we go!

We are just a few weeks away from our half-way point in this deployment.  On one hand, I feel like that happened really fast and he just left, and on the other hand, I feel like it's been forever since I was last with my husband. 

As of right now, Eric has almost no access to communication euipment and we only hear from him on a very limited basis. We've spoken 3 times in the past month.  We write to each other frequently, but it takes an incredibly long time for anything he sends to get here.  He gets the mail we send, but I haven't gotten anything from him since June, even though I know he has been sending letters.  He has been able to send the boys a few videos of him reading stories, courtesy of the USO.  I think they must use a different mail system for those because they get here within a week or 2 of the date on the disk.  The times that I have been able to speak to him, he sounds upbeat and excited about what he's doing, hard as it is at times.  He is an amazing guy-you will never hear him complain about anything.  Not sleeping in the dirt, not having to give up absolutely every modern-day convenience known to man, not working for days on end with little to no sleep.  You might hear him say he hates being away from his family, but that's about as negative as he ever gets.

We miss him terribly, of course, and this deployment has been pretty hard.  There is a lot of fear and pain.  Learning to live under this kind of emotional pressure has been one of the biggest challenges of my life.  I would not have it any other way, though.  They are doing such great things over there, and I am so proud of Eric and all his fellow soldiers.  What they are accomplishing is truly making this world a safer place.  I am so thankful that God has allowed my family to play a part in this.  Don't ever tell me that this war is pointless or a waste-that's just not true.  I will never argue that point with anyone stupid enough to think that way, though.

Yeah, I said stupid. 

!

In other news, we live in Alaska.  It's got to be the prettiest place on earth.  No contest.  Fall here is absolutely gorgeous.  The trees turn these brilliant shades of gold that contrast with the white trunks of the birch trees and it is just beautiful.  Not to mention the Northern Lights, which I have been able to see from my own backyard several times this season.  Always a breathtaking sight.  It reminds me that even though the night may be long and hard, there is a beautiful reward promised to us for walking through it.  The darker the night, the more brightly and beautifully the Aurora glows. 

"One thing I have asked of the Lord, that will I seek:

That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days

of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord"

Psalm 27:4

Well, I can now officially say that I am the wife of a deployed soldier. Feels strange. I miss him like crazy already. I woke up at 3 AM this morning, and immediately saw the empty side of the bed that he has occupied for so many years, and I just felt sick at the thought of how long I have to look at it that way. Saying goodbye to him was the hardest moment of my life. I have never, ever felt such pain. There were so many tears, all day long. When we were leaving the house to take him in, I felt like my heart would pound out of my chest. stopped in the den on the way to the garage and just looked at him and choked out "No, no, I don't want to! I can't!". We stood there and both cried and then he took my handand we forced ourselves to walk out the door of our home together for the last time for a year. I was able to text back and forth with him throughout some of the night. But as soon as the plane took off, we lost all cell phone communication. He won't be able to communicate with me through his cell phone again until his deployment is over. Knowing he is not going to have a cell phone as of tomorrow is so much more painful to me than I expected it to be. He has gone on many trips over the years, but he has always been at least somewhat available to me by cell phone. When he goes on those trips, I am always glued to my phone, waiting to see his name pop up. But now I know that it won't for a very long time. I feel like I've been completely cut off from him. I don't know when I will hear from him again. Presumably not until he gets to a base in Afghanistan that has phones or email-whether it be the one he will stay on, or not. I expect it to be a few days at least. We are doing ok. We are very, very sad, but it has to be that way, I guess. After he left, Eric sent me a text that read "the hourglass has flipped, and now it's counting down to something good". So very true! The build-up to this was very long and hard, but it's over now. It's on now, and we get to start the countdown to his return.

The Time is Here

Almost.

Deployment is almost here. I said those words the other day when I had a talk with Caleb about it, trying to prepare him. "The time is here. We've been getting ready for this for a long time, and now the time is here. Daddy is going to leave soon, and I want you to be ready".

We have been getting ready for a long, long time. I can hardly remember a time when impending deployment wasn't the first thing on my mind, nearly all the time. We've know this was coming for almost 3 years. It's hard for me to even comprehend how close it is now. That it is really about to start.

I'm very thankful to be in a community that understands deployment. I have so much support here, and that is such a blessing. I have my church family, our small group, my fellow army wives, and PWOC. It is such a comfort to be around people I don't have to "explain" my life to. They already know what we are going through, and while they acknowledge the hardship and pain that goes with it, they don't have the same fearful reaction to it that I get when I'm talking to people who haven't come to view the military lifestyle as...a sort of normal.

It's hard to describe the way I've been feeling these last few days. I have peace in my heart that we are doing God's will for our lives, and that this is the right path for us. But Eric is my best friend, and I have never had to be so far away from him for nearly as long as I will have to be. He has never been nearly as unavailable to me for support or help or just companionship as he will be for the next year. I am dreading it. The thought of it hurts my heart.

We are in the height of the anticipation phase. It's like a roller coaster car, slowly creaking to the top of the first huge drop on the track. We are in the moment where the very front of it starts to edge over the hill and you are waiting for it to plunge you downward at a break-neck, completely uncontrollable speed. I know it's coming, and I know it's going to rip the air right our of my lungs, I just don't know exactly which second it's going to hit.

I am begging God in my heart, almost constantly, to please just help me deal with the pain. To calm my fears about having to raise my family alone for a year. The thought of such a long separation from my husband is just so very painful. I have accepted that we are going to do it, and a great deal of peace comes along with that. But there is still pain, frustration, and fear. And I know that, even though God will sustain me through the pain, He won't take it away before the time is right, because it's part of the perfect path He's chosen for me to walk down in this life. I want to be in the path He chose for me, and if that means walking through some pain, I am willing to. I know it will be worth it when I get to the end.

No promises that I won't cry, though. And no promises that I won't occasionally have a brief urge to grab something glass and throw it into the wall so I can watch it shatter like my heart does inside my chest, over and over again, every day as we get closer and closer to the day we have to say goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye.

Psalm 126:6 says that anyone who goes out weeping, while bearing seed to sow, will come back singing songs of joy, carrying their sheaves. The Message actually says "armfuls of blessings". I believe that whole-heartedly about this journey we are about to take. We will start out with pain and sadness, but we will ask the Lord to give us seeds to sow, and when we finsish this journey, our arms will be filled with beautiful blessings we never could have recieved if we hadn't been willing to go through the hard times.

Thanks to everyone for the prayers for our family! When you pray for us, please just ask the Lord to make our paths clear for us, and to comfort us while we are missing each other. And no one should worry about our well-being. We are safe and secure and every step we will take has already been ordered by God. He has placed every resource we will need around us already, even the ones we can't anticipate needing yet, and He has made us ready for this.

NTC: We Did It!

Well, the huge training exercise that we have been anticipating for over a year has come....and gone!! It's over. As I write this, Eric is in the air on his way home from California, and I am sitting in my living room, waiting patiently (not really!) for the time when I am planning to get the boys up and drive to post to pick him up.

He wasn't going to be able to come until the end of the week, but I found out today that circumstances had worked out for him to be able to get on the flight today. Of course, I was incredibly excited and HAPPY! And also a little bit panicked because I really wasn't expecting him to come home yet, and I had a bunch of stuff I wanted done before he got home and I had been counting on having several more days to do it! No worries, though! Got it all done in plenty of time, and now I am obviously finished and sitting down to blog! :)

I know that the time seemed to be passing very slowly this past month, but now that it's over, I feel like it was nothing. It seems now to have gone by so quickly. And while I had my share of sad, lonely nights, for the most part, I have been encouraged through this process. I finally learned that there are two ways to spend my nights without my husband: 1. Feeling sad and lonely, feeling sorry for myself with the t.v. on in the background, possibly crying a little bit while I fall asleep. Or 2. Having some really focused one-on-one time with the Lord. And I have decided that I prefer the second! I feel like my relationship with God has grown so much this past month, and I am thankful for all the time I had to devote to it in the evenings.

The hardest part of NTC was definitely the 2 week period that Eric was "in the box". During this time period, we had absolutely no contact whatsoever. No phone calls, no text messages, no emails, no skype...nothing. We knew it was coming and I was very nervous about it, but tried to view it as an opportunity to practice for the long periods of no contact that we will likely go through during his upcoming deployment. There were definitely times when it seemed to be passing very slowly, and I just longed to hear my husband's voice. But when it was over, and I finally got to talk to him again...that was the best feeling! It felt so good to just tell him what had gone on the past two weeks, and to hear about what he had done. He has been very busy, so we only were able to talk very late at night, but since he came out of the box, I have thoroughly enjoyed just being able to send him a text and know that he would get it that day. It felt like the coolest luxury! And it was also a huge relief to me that we hadn't grown apart at all. I was afraid there would be some awkwardness or distance between us after being apart and not speaking for so long, but there was none at all. We picked up right where we left off. I know that NTC is only a small picture of what deployment will be like, but I was still encouraged by that.

All in all, I am encouraged. He was gone for a month, and a month is about 1/12 of deployment (we hope), and I am confident that we can do that 12 times! We have worked very hard to prepare, and now that we have had the chance to try out some of the skills we have been trying to learn these past few years, I can finally say that I'm confident that we are ready. There will be times where I feel overwhelmed or where it feels like we won't make it to the end. But we know that if we just keep moving forward, we will eventually reach the finish line.

A theme that has emerged in my personal devotions this month is "This is temporary. Wait quietly; press on.". I have it on sticky notes all over the house. I believe this is how I will get through the next year of my life. By remembering that this is temporary-not only the deployment, but also this life and this world. No matter what happens to us in this life, we have eternity to look forward to, and all of the struggles we face in this life will be over then. By waiting quietly on the Lord for comfort and strength, and by pressing on when I feel too lonely and stretched too thin, remembering that I don't have to do any of this alone.

That's all for now! Soon I will be off to get my husband, and once he's home, I'm sure I will be much too wrapped up in him to blog for a while! :)

This has been my NTC theme song. It may turn out to be my deployment theme song, as well. We'll see. I love this song, and praise the Lord, He is always with me, carrying me through it all!

The Ammo Bearer

Today was the Spring Kick-Off of Protestant Women of the Chapel! I have been looking forward to it ever since the last time PWOC met, before Christmas. They had a breakfast buffet set up and table for us all to sit at and eat. So we ate and talked, and then we sang some songs. This semester's Bible study leaders got up and gave descriptions of the several different studies that are being offered. And then one of the women got up to speak.

She is the wife of an infantry officer who is in Eric's chain of command, which I think is incredibly cool. There are actually a lot of women who work with Eric who also go to PWOC, and also to our church. We have been very blessed to be surrounded by so many Christians!

Anyway, she gave a talk about being prepared. Many of us in the room are facing deployment very soon, and that can definitely feel like a looming crisis. And even those who are not facing deployment at this time are still facing other challenges as military wives. And the type of preparation she was talking about was knowing how to fully rely on God to get you through, rather than trying to learn how to do that in the midst of the crisis. She shared an analogy that really struck me, which her infantry husband had given her.

The guy who shoots the really big gun on top of the stryker or tank is called the gunner. He carries a belt of ammunition that contains just enough ammunition for him to shoot for 15 seconds. He does not carry enough ammunition by himself to get him through a battle. Only just the very beginning, and then he runs out.

But there is a man who stands beside him, called the "ammo bearer". He has all the ammunition the gunner will need to get him through whatever battle he is fighting, and he feeds it to him as he needs it. If the gunner were to try to fight the battle without his ammo bearer, he would quickly be overwhelmed.

God is our ammo bearer. He is right there beside us, giving us the ammo that we need to get through whatever battles we need to fight. What an awesome picture! What a comfort! So often (more and more often, the closer deployment gets), I have moments of overwhelmed panic at my absolute inability to handle things on my own. The words, "I can't, I can't, I can't" go through my mind over and over and over. I feel two inches tall-completely inadequate for the task. Completely emotionally overwhelmed. But with God beside me, giving me exactly what I need to get through every difficult situation, I can have such amazing comfort, because I know that I don't have to be adequate. I don't have to be able to do it alone. God did not create me to be fully adequate on my own-He made me to need Him. I will never be alone. My Ammo Bearer will be beside me the whole time. "I can't, I can't, I can't...but that's ok."

She said, "God is contstantly bringing us to a place of, 'I can't do this', and that's where he wants us to be...It's so easy to get to the end of what we can do ourselves, but it is impossible to get to the end of what the Holy Spirit can do".

And then she held up a toy army man, and said that there was one at each of our place settings. She said that she was going to put that army man on her key chain, so that whenever she reached for her keys, she would be reminded of her Ammo Bearer, and that she is never, ever alone.

Me, too.

Sunday Afternoon Revelations...

1. Pull-on boots which I tuck my pants legs into are the winter-equivalent of flip-flops. Easy, comfortable, and they go with everything.

2. I can sometimes gauge what the temperature is according to how fast my exposed skin starts to sting when I'm outside. Today I guessed 0, and it was actually -2. Go me!

3. The first time in winter that you notice the sun coming up high enough over the horizon to look bright yellow is a huge mood-lifter! I noticed it today when we left church and it made me feel so optimistic. Even the fears about upcoming deployment seem a little bit smaller with the sun shining on them!

4. This is the most beautiful place, and I am so thankful that we get to live here! It's amazing! Always changing, sometimes challenging, always beautiful.

A Little's Boy's Understanding

We have been discussing deployment with Caleb for some time now, preparing him for it. I think he understands pretty well what it is, what Eric will be doing, and how long he will be gone. We used the time between birthdays as an example to put it into perspective for him.

But Nate has only just turned 3, and until very recently, I was pretty sure he was not able to understand the concept at all. In the past few weeks, he has started asking some questions, though. Mostly after hearing Caleb ask Eric (for the millionth time), if he really has to be gone for a whole year, or if it can just be a few weeks? A few weeks ago, Caleb was talking to Eric about Afghanistan, and Nate joined in. He asked if Daddy was going "dancing with Sam". We didn't get it at first. Huh/ Dancing with Sam? But then Nate said, "Daddy, are you going dancing with Sam to fight bad guys?"

Ohhhhhhh. Dancing-with-Sam = Afghanistan.

Go ahead and cry. I did.

Another example: Today I asked Nate if he knows what Afghanistan is now. He said yes, so I asked him what, and he just ignored the question, like he does sometimes. So I asked him if he knew what Daddy was going to be doing there. He said, "Getting us some pwesents!". Sigh. Ok, so how long is Daddy going to be gone? "Until we open them!".

And my first thought after that was, "We better make sure Eric is able to have some presents with him when he comes home", because the thought of poor little Nate just not understanding what is going to happen hurts my heart and I don't want to think about it. He will be old enough to understand that Daddy is never around, but not old enough to understand why, or that he will eventually come back. I won't be able to give him any perspective on how much longer it will be.

I'm worried for all three of the boys. I don't want them to be sad and hurting and confused. I want to be able to make this tough time as easy on them as possible. I guess I need to pray for God to give me wisdom to help them understand and to comfort them. If anyone is reading this, say a prayer for all the little military children. They go through such hard times while they are so little.

A Moose and His Toy

Moose is turning out to be a very interesting little guy! It's been pretty cool getting to know him. I was a little nervous when we brought him home because I had no idea what to expect from him and no idea what kind of life he had before. Would he be trained to do anything? Would he have psychological problems from being horribly mistreated? Would he be nervous around people because he was neglected? Would his time spent in the shelter have given him any issues (it is incredibly loud in there!). Would he even be house-broken?

So many questions! But we are gradually getting answers. He doesn't appear to have any serious problems, aside from the submissive urination, which isn't too much of a problem. He is very friendly and affectionate and seems pretty intelligent. I can tell he already loves our family, and he is protective of us and the house.

When we picked him up from the animal hospital, I took a toy that I bought at Walmart for a dollar to give him in the car. I bought such a cheap one because I wasn't sure if he would like it, but I wanted him to have something that didn't have Baxter's smell on it. Well, Moose and that little toy have been inseparable ever since! He takes it everywhere. Even outside to do his non-submissive urinating and other business. Today, I noticed him sitting by the back door for a long time after I had just let him out, and when I finally let him go back out again, he trotted right up to a mound of snow and pulled his toy out of it. He had left it out there and wanted it back! He got a little distracted with some various smells, and left it again when I called him to come in. At first I was like, "Great, now I'm going to have to freeze to death going to get that thing for him because I know he'll want it, and there's no way I can get him to realize that he forgot it", but then I decided to try something crazy, just for the heck of it.

"Moose!", I said. "You forgot your toy!". He stopped in his tracks and did a total cartoon-dog "huh??", with his head cocked to the side and ears perked up, one paw up off the ground. And then I watched in total amazement as he turned around and went back for it! I could not believe he just understood what I said! Cool, right?! I experimented with it a few more times during the day-asking him where his toy was-and he went to get it every time

In other funny-things-Moose-does-with-his-toy news, he likes to carry it around with him, as I mentioned before. Very often, I will be trying to give him a treat and you can just see him struggling with the choice he has to make-hold the toy, or put it down and have a tasty treat? Until today, he would eventually drop the toy, but today he figured out that if he opens his mouth just a little bit, he can keep the toy in there and slowly pull the treat out of my hand. And thus I have determined that Moose is an excellent problem-solver.

I think that's pretty cool, especially since Baxter has only ever been interested in playing with dirty socks. And occasionally a flip-flop.

Anyway, in case you can't tell, I'm kind of with smitten him. He's a pretty awesome Moose.

:)

There's a Moose in My House!!!

Welcome home, Moose!

As I mentioned before, we adopted a new family member! His name is Moose, he's a wirehaired dachshund, and he's been with us for almost a week. So far, he is a perfect fit!

He's definitely not what we started out looking for, but I guess God had other plans! Originally, I wanted a big, scary-looking and (most importantly) lazy dog to make us feel safe while Eric is gone. It was important to me not to have to start from scratch training a puppy (I do not have time!), so I was looking for an adult dog, at least 2 and preferably 3 or 4 years old. So I started watching Craigslist, the classifieds, and the Fairbanks shelter's website for dogs that might be a good match. And then I happened to scroll past a picture of Moose.

This looks like a big, scary guard dog, right? Right??

Ok, so not really. But no matter what other dogs I looked at, I just kept coming back to the picture of Moose. And eventually I decided to go check him out, because I just couldn't resist that sweet face. It was love at first sight. I met him at the shelter and I didn't even have to think about it that long. I signed the paperwork and Moose came home the next day, after being sent to the animal hospital to be neutered.

They have told us that he's about 2 years old. He is very friendly and happy, and appears to be house trained, except for the occasional submissive urination incident (do not scare Moose, please. At least not on the carpet). It was a little testy at first, introducing him to Baxter, but they are pretty good buddies now. They are pretty much always together. Moose loves the boys, and the boys love Moose. The shelter told me he would have to warm up to the small childen, but he seemed to take to them right away. They don't even make him pee. :)

He is pretty calm, and loves to play with squeaky toys. His favorite game is fetch, and he will sit up and beg you to throw his toy for as long as it takes. And he has the best dog eyebrows I've ever seen!

So, maybe not a guard dog, but that's ok! Welcome home, Moose!

And for anyone in Fairbanks who is looking for a dog, please go to the shelter! It is such a quick, easy process, not nearly as expensive as buying a purebred puppy, and they have so many sweet dogs!

Back to the Grind

Sigh. Block leave is over tomorrow. It's depressing.



We had such a nice time. We started with a trip to Chena Hot Springs for just me and Eric. Our good friends kept the boys for us, and we had an awesome time! Then we went to see the new Narnia movie with friends, went Christmas Eve ice skating and to the candllelight service at church. Christmas morning-watched the boys open all their presents, and then had Christmas dinner with good friends. Then Eric and I got to go see Tron in 3D at the IMAX, which was absolutely amazing! And we did a lot of resting and hanging out! Went down to the shelter and adopted our newest family member, Moose the wirehaired dachshund, who is fitting in beautifully! We did some more resting and hanging out, went New Year's Eve ice skating and then had dinner out with friends and then went home for a low-key New Year's Eve together. We spent New Year's Day with more wonderful friends, having a delicious dinner and playing cards, and now here we are on the last day of leave.



Sigh. Back to getting up really early, running around like crazy all day and not seeing a whole lot of Daddy. And we have a month or so of that before Eric has to leave for a longish training exercise that I have no idea what to expect from. And then of course, not long after that is over will come the deployment. Double sigh.



I know you're supposed to be optimistic and excited about what a new year can bring, but thinking about the year that we are facing makes me feel tired, sad, and lonely. Just being honest! I am trying to have faith that God is in control and that that this will work for our good somehow, but I would be lying if I said it wasn't a daily struggle. I just don't want to have my family pulled apart for so long. It hurts to think about it.



But God IS in control, and He WILL use these circumstances for good! I just need to remember that. If anyone is wondering how to pray for us, pray that we will be able to remember that. Pray that God will give us the strength to get through whatever is coming our way and that we will be able to be a testimony to His love and power.