Kid Quotes for the Day

Some of my favorite quotes from today:

Nate to Caleb:  "Caleb, tell Mommy about that evil kid that stole your snow pants at school!"
Caleb forgot his snow pants one day, so he went to borrow some of the school's.  Apparently, he grabbed a pair, and then realized he had forgotten something, so he laid them down to go get it.  When he got back, another kid was putting the snow pants on.  They were the last pair of snow pants available, and Caleb's sense of fairness was greatly wounded.  As was Nate's, obviously.  I smiled inside when I heard this, though, because it shows that my boys are now having conversations like friends, telling each other about their day.  Love it!

Sam to no one in particular:  "Go, go Power Win-jahs!" 
Power Rangers-he is in love with this show now.  I had a headache yesterday and sat down to watch a Power Ranger marathon with him and Nate. I have to say, that is one of the worst shows of all time.  But I had an absolute blast watching it with them!  They love to get up and mimic the fight scenes, complete with sound effects.  They are true boys, to the core!

Caleb to his teacher:  "A drone, because all they do is lay around and get fed."
He was asked on a test which kind of bee he would prefer to be and why, and this was his answer.  His teacher still gave him some credit, but she marked underneath is "no, they go out and find the food.".  Even though it is a little disturbing to hear him speak so unashamedly of his desire to be lazy...this still made me laugh pretty hard.  Hey, maybe he's just being honest.  He is a pretty hard-working kid.  I've asked a lot more of him since his dad has been gone then I would have under normal circumstances.

Nate to me:  "Dis is a great wunch, Mommy!"
The boys had-per their special request-plain hamburger buns for part of their lunch today.  Nate was overjoyed and talked about it all day.  He is my picky eater, so it was sweet to hear him enjoy his food so much.

I have awesome kids.  They may be a lot of work, but they are definitely more then worth it!  Love 'em!   

The Broken Glasses Saga

Well...I broke my glasses.  It was a bummer.  I loved those glasses.  They were so cute.  And Eric loved them, too.  But alas, they fell off a stack of books I was carrying across the kitchen and broke right in half.  I put them in the case and went to bed, hoping that I would wake up in the morning and they would somehow be back together again...but obviously, that did not happen.

So I'm pretty blind these days.  Thankfully, I haven't had to leave the house too much, and when I have, it's been during the day so I can wear my prescription sun glasses.  I've had a lot of headaches these past few days, though.  Not being able to see is not fun.  I don't know how people managed it before the modern technology of glasses.

I wanted to rush out the day they broke and get new ones.  But we're not in Kansas anymore, Toto.  And by Kansas, I of course mean, anywhere in the US besides Alaska.  There were literally no options in town for me to go and get new glasses that day.  The soonest I could get in was today, 3 days later.  I couldn't find anyone that could make glasses on their premises and get me in with their eye doctor, so I had an exam at one place and took the prescription to another to have the lenses cut and buy the frames.

The exam was done in the optical department of a large discount shopping club store that I will not name in case I'm not allowed to.  The doctor was really nice, and did a quick exam and didn't mind my 3 kids cartwheeling around the exam room the whole time.  The receptionist was also nice, and even offered to watch my kids for me during my exam, but the optical department is not at all closed off from the rest of the store.  Right after she offered, she turned to answer the phone, talk to a customer and work on the computer all at the same time, with her back completely to my boys.  I could just picture them wandering off and getting lost forever in the store...or worse.  She insisted on doing it several times, even after I told her that I didn't think it was a good idea.  So when the doctor finally called me back, I just took them with me.  Yeah....you guessed it.  She never even noticed.  Not an ideal babysitting scenario...

Thanks for the nice thought, ma'am, but these boys are eyes-on, all the time.  Eyes.  On.  And the ruckus they made in the exam room is nothing compared to the chaos I would have caused if I came out and they were gone or hurt.  I realize that they are loud and don't always behave, but I LOVE them.  Heck, I even like them :)  And I kinda want to make sure they're safe.

Anyway...that place takes 2 weeks to get glasses ready for you.  I generally can't go 2 weeks without using my eyes, so I took the prescription to a clinic on post.  I was pretty nervous about picking something ugly, since I have never had to choose glasses without input from the most important person (my husband!), but lucky for me, the clerk was about my age and not busy so she helped me a lot and gave me feedback about what was cute and what was NOT cute.  I ended up picking some that I liked and feel pretty good about.

So my new glasses will be ready by tomorrow afternoon.  Praise the Lord!  It's only been a few days without, but boy do you realize what a luxury eye glasses are when you break yours in half in Fairbanks, Alaska!

Getting Closer!

I was thinking last night that the stop-mail date (the date at which it is too late in deployment to send soldiers mail, because they won't be there long enough to get it) is coming up within a few weeks.  Once we hit that date, we are so very close to being together again.  I guess I hadn't allowed myself to think about how close that date was because the fact that there are still a few months left of deployment is painful to dwell on.  I know that at this point, it should all be eager anticipation, but after this very difficult deployment for our brigade, there is still a lot of fear.  They are still over there, and even though it's not for too much longer, it only takes a moment for tragedy to occur.

The nearness of the date did finally dawn on me last night, though.  And it feels pretty cool to have come so far.  It's hard to describe how the time has passed.  In a way, it feels like it's been forever, and in another way, it feels like he has hardly been gone at all.  

Along with the excitement of the ever-closer redeployment date...and the fear that it will never come for us, is a sense of urgency.  Have I learned what God had for me to learn during this time?  Am I going to end up where He wants me when it's over?  If I'm not on the right track for that, I only have a little bit of time to get there.  As hard as deployment is, I have tried throughout it to view it as a special opportunity from God to get to know Him better and to strengthen my faith in Him.  Lots of people live with certain issues most of their lives, placing them on the back burners of their hearts because nothing challenges them in doing that.  Living under constant pressure, pain, and fear forces such issues up to the forefront, where they demand to be dealt with.   It reveals what is really in the heart, both strengths and weaknesses.  You learn pretty quickly how much you really, honestly do trust God, and when the question is whether or not you get your spouse back, I think most of us find that the amount of real trust is pretty small.  It also brings forth opportunities to share faith that don't happen when life is normal and easy.  You meet people that don't know the Lord through the Army, and the stress and fear that we are all living with can bring Him and His peace up in many, many conversations. 

I will be glad (really, really super-duper glad!) when deployment is over, but it is definitely a gift from God in my life, and I don't want to waste any part of it.  My goal for the next few months is to ask God to show me how to finish it well.  To have my eyes open to what He has left for me to do and learn in this season of my life.  And not to do what feels natural, which is to check out and find distractions to get it over with as quickly as possible.

Ecclesiastes 7:14a  In the day of prosperity be happy, but in the day of adversity consider-God has made the one as well as the other...

Divided Heart

Jeremiah 29:13  You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.

I "happened" across this verse in my quiet time with God tonight.  I have been pretty down on my deployment life today.  I try to maintain a heart of gratitude that we are in the place that God has led us to, but as time stretches on, the days that I am actually able to feel grateful are spaced further and further apart. Today was not one of those days.  I'm really feeling the separation, and it's painful.  After I got the boys to bed, I sat down with my Bible and my journal.  Throughout deployment, this has been the only thing that brings me any real peace, and I wanted some peace tonight.

When my kids are in bed and my house is quiet, and my husband is on the other side of the world with no access to communication equipment...my heart hurts and gets lonely.  And there is nowhere for it to go but to God.  All opportunities to pour it into someone or something else are gone.  When I look at deployment from this perspective, asking our family to do it is an amazing act of mercy on the part of an awesome God.  Before going through it, I had no idea how truly divided my heart was.  I didn't realized how much of it I held back from God.  And I didn't know what it meant to really "find" God, because I had never really felt pressed to look.

I like the way this song phrases it:

"I surrender it all, I lay it before You.
 For all of my days, I'll give You the glory.
 You called me to see my heart is divided,
 Lord, take all of me, for I have decided
 I count it all as loss, compared to knowing You,
My God."
                                                    -Count it All by John Waller

Good song!  I recommend listening to it!  I would embed a video, but I can't find one. 

Oh well.     

Rest and Recuperation

Also known as "R and R".  The 2 week break soldiers get during a deployment that is over 9 months long.  Most Army deployments (until the recent change that no one has yet benefited from) are 12 months or longer, so an Army deployment always starts out with the question of when R/R will be.

Eric's R/R was originally scheduled for late January, which was my preference, since I knew that the day he left again would be excruciatingly painful, and I wanted to be able to comfort myself and the kids with the knowledge that it would only be another 2 months or so before he came back for good.  When he left in April, I couldn't even stand to think about the fact that I wouldn't see him again for 9 months, but I knew that when the leave date came and went, I would be glad we waited.  Right around Halloween time, he called me to say that he was told he had to change it to an earlier date, and that he had opted for Christmastime.  I was pretty angry at first, since this would meant a longer wait after R/R, and it was very frustrating because at the time, he had very limited access to communications, and we only had 15 minutes to talk and I didn't know when he would call again.  When he left, I resigned myself to not spending any holidays together, and had had 7 months to accept that fact that we wouldn't have Christmas together.  I worked through my disappointment, though, and soon was very excited to have our family together for Christmas.

As the time got closer for him to come home and I got more and more excited, time did what it always does in situations like that, and came to a screeching halt.  I spent a lot of time getting the house ready, cleaning and decorating, and just trying to set it up so that we could relax and enjoy each other's company.  I practiced making the meals he loves and his favorite cookies.  We were able to talk every day while he was on his way  home, and the whole process took about 2 weeks.  I couldn't even believe it when the day finally came!

It almost felt like a dream, as I was getting dressed that morning and getting the boys sleepover bags ready.  Around lunch time, I dropped them off with some of our good friends and headed off to the airport.  I wanted to get there early so I would have time to get through security and meet him at the gate.  I got to the airport 2 hours early, and this being Fairbanks....I made it through security in about 4 1/2 minutes.  There were no lines anywhere.  So I had almost 2 hours to wait very, very anxiously!  There was no one there when I arrived, but as the time for his flight neared, the waiting area filled up with people waiting for the departing flight.  It got pretty crowded. When the door was finally opened and the passengers started coming out, I stood where I could see the door and finally-there he was!  I saw his black beanie hat first, towering over everyone else's heads, of course.

We drove home and the whole way I just kept looking over at him and saying "I can't believe you're home!"  It was the most amazing feeling.  We went to get the boys in the morning, and reintroducing them to their dad was a bit of a process.  The little ones were very intimidated and hesitant at first, which is totally normal after 8 months of separation.  It took maybe an hour or so for Nate to finally be ready for a hug, and Sam a little longer.  By the end of the day, all three were stuck to their dad like glue  There was a lot of wrestling in this house!

We spent most of R/R relaxing at home and taking the boys to do fun things like bowling, the movies and the indoor playground.  Eric and I had a few really wonderful dates!  We drove out to Chena Hot Springs once, and another night a friend watched the boys so we could go out to a nice restaurant, play glow-in-the-dark putt-putt, and go see Mission Impossible 48 (or whatever number they're on) on the Imax screen.  We let the boys stay up past their bedtimes most nights, and Eric and I were up until 3 or so pretty much every night.  Exhausting, but so much fun!

It went by much to fast, though, of course.  I prayed before he came and while he was here that God would help me keep the next big goodbye off my mind, so that we could just enjoy the time we had, and for the most part, I was able to.  It broke in every now and then and Eric and I would talk about it, but mostly we just had fun.  The last day before he left, it hit me pretty hard, though.  There were lots of tears.  It's true that this time is going to be less then half of what we have already done, but this time I know what he is going back to, and it's not a safe place.  After having to live with knowing he was in danger and having to adjust to running the house alone for such a long time, it was just so, so wonderful to have him safe and right beside me.  Knowing we had to go back to the way things have been all this time just felt unimaginably cruel.

We stayed up together all night the last night.  We each took a 20-minute "power nap", so we could squeeze in as much time together as possible before he left.  His flight was in the morning and we had to get everyone up and ready so we could see him off at the gate.

Driving to the airport, it occurred to me how lucky I am.  Even with this huge, heavy pain on my heart, I was still enjoying my husband's company.  I am so blessed to be in a marriage where we enjoy each other so much. 

We got to the airport and went through security.  It was a morning flight, so the airport was pretty busy-meaning it took about 40 minutes to get through security.  When we got to the gate, they were already boarding, so we didn't have too much time for goodbyes.  He waited until they were about to close the doors to go, and about 7 or 8 minutes before that, Nate realized what was going on.  he was thoroughly devastated.  Nate hates to draw attention to himself and never cries loudly in public, so it absolutely ripped us in  half to see him do it then, and to that degree.  After Eric left, it took me a good 45 minutes to get him calm enough to walk towards the exit.  Caleb was tearful too, and Sam was just toddling around with a "what the heck??" expression on his face.  It was definitely an overwhelming morning, and it left me feeling about 2 inches tall and completely drained.

The day was mostly a blur.  I was able to talk to Eric between his flights, which helped a lot with the pain.  When he leaves like this, it feels like such a huge loss, because the time is so long and it changes our lives so drastically.  It definitely starts a grieving process, and hearing from him after he leaves helps to reassure me that it's not a permanent loss, and he isn't gone, he's just away for a while.  Anyway, the day eventually went by and at about 8:15 I realized that if I didn't go to sleep soon I might die, so I headed up to bed.  Just as I was laying down, Eric called to say that he had gotten to a hotel for the night, and I got to fall asleep with the sound of his voice still in my ears, and I slept all the way through the night.

So we are back to our "temporary normal".  We are still reeling some from the pain of the goodbye, but we are gradually feeling better.  I think once we get up and go to church tomorrow, we will start feeling more normal.  Things are kind of surreal right now. Hopefully getting back into normal routines will help the time go by quickly until he is back for good.

To sum up our R/R, I would say that it was probably the happiest, most wonderful 2 weeks of my life, and that it was more then worth the hurt that came at the end.  I love that man with all my heart, and I'm so blessed to be married to a true hero.  Can't wait to see him again in a few months!

Quiet Waters

I read the 23rd Psalm last night.  I've read it a million times, of course.  It's a pretty common one.  I even have it memorized, like most kids who grew up in Awana do.  But last night, verse 2 really stuck out to me.  Specifically the second line, "He leads me beside quiet waters."

My family loves water.  We love it all-rivers, lakes, oceans...ponds...tributaries...puddles.  All of it.  We've spent a lot of quality family time next to water.  When we lived on the East Coast we were able to go to the beach pretty often, and we loved to do that together.  One of our favorites was Rehobeth Beach in Delaware.  It was about a 2 hour drive from our home in Silver Spring, Maryland, so we would leave early and spend the day there playing in the sand with Caleb and Nate, and then we would eat at Cracker Barrel before coming home.  Sweet memories!

Now that we live in Alaska, we aren't really close enough to any beaches to go very often.  I don't think Alaska's beaches are really suited to the kind of beach activities that East Coast-ers (I made a word!) are used to, anyway.  But we have so many beautiful rivers and ponds!  We have found so many lovely little spots where the water is so calm and quiet.  One of our family's favorite summer activities is to find a nice spot by some water and grill some dinner, roast marshmallows, wade around until our feet hurt from the cold, explore up and down the shore, and, of course, skip rocks!  Many times, I have sat beside a gorgeous river or lake and just closed my eyes and taken in the quiet peacefulness of it.  Stillness, calm and quiet. 

Last spring, Eric and I were tremendously blessed in being able to take a just-the-two-of-us trip to Maui for our (early) 10th Anniversary.  While we were there, we visited the famous Black Sand Beach.  Very cool place!  The ocean there is very dangerous, though.  They had signs up warning against swimming.  The surf is very rough, there are huge rocks everywhere, and there are sharks and man of war jellyfish in the water.  

The water at the Black Sand Beach in Maui is definitely not quiet.  It is always violently churning. Waves crash down on the jagged rocks constantly.  There are many dangers below, hidden by the wild thrashing of the surface.  It's very loud, very unsafe water.  If I had to classify this deployment as any type of water, that would be it.

There are the obvious fears and pain that buffet me constantly-separation from the most important person in my life, extended lack of communication with him, news of casualties and catastrophic injuries.  The constant wondering if the next moment will be the one where I hear the life-changing knock on my front door.  The discouragement of having to handle all of the parenting and running of the household alone.  Every diaper change, every bad dream, every meal, every load of laundry, every juice stain in the carpet, every trip to the store, every doctor's appointment...all of these things and everything else, I have to handle, with no partner to support me in it when I become overwhelmed.  What we army wives affectionately call "Murphy's Law of Deployment" (if it can break, explode, lose it's mind, disintegrate, run away with the spoon, or otherwise cause significant stress to you while your husband is deployed, it WILL) has slammed me recently with both of our cars breaking down within days of each other.  The hand injury I sustained trying way too many times to start our worthless lawn mower is going from bad to worse and is really becoming a source of frustration for me.  The list goes on.

  And then roiling below the surface is the paralyzing sense of dread that the worst could happen at any moment, and that what I now see as a temporary hardship will become permanent.  I'm not going to go in-depth about that fear and all the million different aspects of it, because it's too painful, but it is there, and there are many times where I feel like it's just waiting to devour me.

Yes, I can say that I do feel battered and tossed about by the violent sea that is this deployment.

But...

"He leads me beside quiet waters."

Such truth in those words!  The long, harsh, lonely nights afford me the perfect opportunity to steal away from the chaos of everyday life and find a quiet place alone with God.  If only I would choose to take it more often!  His Word is living and active and it speaks fresh wisdom and comfort to me every time I open it.  I find there the hope that absolutely nothing in this life is permanent.  Good things pass away, but so does pain, and one day pain will pass away forever (can I get an Amen??).  I find the hope that I will most definitely see Eric again, even if my worst fear comes true.  I find comfort in knowing that this trial we are going through is being used by God to bring about good. And that no matter how scary things get, we are each held solidly in the palm of His hand, from which we can never be removed.  I find that nothing can harm me or my family.  Things may happen that feel harmful, but God in His infinite wisdom allows them to happen out of love, because He knows that there is not harm in them, but good.  Good that I will one day understand.

In Him I find peace.  He takes my soul from this:

   

To this:

   

He leads me beside quiet waters.

He restores my soul

Oh, hello!

Well, I was just thinking recently that it's been quite a while since I posted anything here, and I suppose it's about time for an update!  So here we go!

We are just a few weeks away from our half-way point in this deployment.  On one hand, I feel like that happened really fast and he just left, and on the other hand, I feel like it's been forever since I was last with my husband. 

As of right now, Eric has almost no access to communication euipment and we only hear from him on a very limited basis. We've spoken 3 times in the past month.  We write to each other frequently, but it takes an incredibly long time for anything he sends to get here.  He gets the mail we send, but I haven't gotten anything from him since June, even though I know he has been sending letters.  He has been able to send the boys a few videos of him reading stories, courtesy of the USO.  I think they must use a different mail system for those because they get here within a week or 2 of the date on the disk.  The times that I have been able to speak to him, he sounds upbeat and excited about what he's doing, hard as it is at times.  He is an amazing guy-you will never hear him complain about anything.  Not sleeping in the dirt, not having to give up absolutely every modern-day convenience known to man, not working for days on end with little to no sleep.  You might hear him say he hates being away from his family, but that's about as negative as he ever gets.

We miss him terribly, of course, and this deployment has been pretty hard.  There is a lot of fear and pain.  Learning to live under this kind of emotional pressure has been one of the biggest challenges of my life.  I would not have it any other way, though.  They are doing such great things over there, and I am so proud of Eric and all his fellow soldiers.  What they are accomplishing is truly making this world a safer place.  I am so thankful that God has allowed my family to play a part in this.  Don't ever tell me that this war is pointless or a waste-that's just not true.  I will never argue that point with anyone stupid enough to think that way, though.

Yeah, I said stupid. 

!

In other news, we live in Alaska.  It's got to be the prettiest place on earth.  No contest.  Fall here is absolutely gorgeous.  The trees turn these brilliant shades of gold that contrast with the white trunks of the birch trees and it is just beautiful.  Not to mention the Northern Lights, which I have been able to see from my own backyard several times this season.  Always a breathtaking sight.  It reminds me that even though the night may be long and hard, there is a beautiful reward promised to us for walking through it.  The darker the night, the more brightly and beautifully the Aurora glows. 

"One thing I have asked of the Lord, that will I seek:

That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days

of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord"

Psalm 27:4