Running the Race

Hebrews 12:1-2
Let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which entangles
us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our
eyes on Jesus.

I came across this verse the other day when I was having a particularly bad "I-Hate-Army-Life" day. Isn't it cool how God puts things in front of our eyes, right when we most need to see them?

Also found these great quotes in my Faith Deployed devotional book:

"Many military wives see themselves as victims of their husband's
career. We need to accept our circumstances from God, trusting that He
unerringly knows what is best for us. We need to move from the attitude of
victim to an attitude of stewardship. We need to ask, 'God, how can I
use my difficult circumstance or disability to serve You and glorify
You?'" Patti Morse

"I am called to be a military wife. God knew I could do it when He
gave me the assignment" Amy Macleod

And heard this in a song at Regenerate Her at church last Friday. (yes, it totally made me cry) :

"I am frightened by the load I bear.
In a world as cold as stone,
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now, be with me now.
Breath of Heaven,
hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of Heaven.
Breath of Heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me Your holiness,
For You are holy"

And last! This is from the devotional book they gave out at Regenerate Her. I love the thought of God calling me to be an Army wife. I think because Eric and I got married so young, a lot of people probably think we just stumbled into the military and we are going to go through the pain of deployment as a kind of consequence for making the choice to get married so young. But I am learning that God has called us to this. This is our place. He put us here. We are here for a reason. And so this quote stuck out to me:

"Slowly, the Master Painter, creator of the heavenlies, takes each
pain, tear, scar, and wound, and in His time, and in His way, He makes a
masterpiece".

:)

John Waller - While I'm Waiting (Official Music Video) from Provident Label Group on Vimeo.

Bitter

That's how I'm feeling today. I was looking through some resource websites for military families and came across some "long-distance-dad" books with ideas on how to parent "from a distance".

Or, you know, the other side of the world.

But most of them are written with business travelers or divorced parents in mind. They have suggestions like "buy your child a speaker phone and set it on the dinner table so you can talk with them while they eat, or put it in the bathroom and chat while they get ready for bed". Or, "visit an educational website together and have a virtual field trip, using instant messenger to discuss the websites you visit". And "send one postcard every day for a week from a different place".

Nice, right?

Oh, except my kids dad-as far as I know-is not going to have access to very many phones, computers or souvenir shops. Not to mention the time difference challenges and the fact that he's not likely to be able to sit on the phone for hours at a time when the kids are actually going through those certain daily routines.

And let's not forget the cost of phone communication. :-/

I try very hard to have a good attitude about Eric's service. I try to have a servant's heart myself, and to be willing to go through all of the really hard times that are ahead of us because I know that Eric's job is very important and I love him and want to support everything that he does. It's just hard to keep the bitterness out sometimes.

Sometimes I can't stop myself from asking the question, "how can the military ask families to go through such long separations?". I know it's a pointless question, and that the answer wouldn't change any of the things that I don't like. I know that asking it only makes the bitter feelings harder to resist, but there are times when I just can't help it.

I don't want our family to be apart for a year. I just don't.

So.....that's where I'm at today. Kinda not a great place to be, as far as my attitude goes, but I don't want to be one of "those" wives who pretends to love EVERYTHING about military life ALL. THE. TIME. We all know at least one of "those". And they are annoying.

I don't think God expects me to live this life and never struggle with it. In fact, I think he knows that I am struggling right now, because one of my bestest friends suggested a girls-only overnight getaway to Chena Hot Springs this weekend. Haven't had one of those......ever! Hard to stay too bitter/angry when I know I have that to look forward to in just a few days!

:)

Happy Birthday, Sam!

One year ago today, we got to hold our third little boy for the very first time! What a blessing he has been to us this past year! Here he is on his birth day! Samuel Isaiah Cunningham, born November 30, 2009. 7 lbs, 10 oz.

One month old. Love those eyes!

2 months. Smiley little Sammy! Ever since the first time he cracked a smile, he has been the smiliest baby I've ever known.

3 months. He is very animated with his facial expressions!

4 months. All bundled up to go to the Ice Park.

5 months old. This was his first Easter!

6 months old. It is finally warm enough for Sam to hang out outside!

7 months. Watching his big brothers play at the playground.

8 months old.

9 months.

10 months. Look at this sweet face!

11 months. Our lil' punkin'!

And here he is-one year old. Slow down, Sammy! You're growing much too fast!

1 Samuel 1:27 I
prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him.

Isaiah 54:13 All
your sons will be taught by the Lord, and great will be your children's
peace.

I have 5 unexpectedly free minutes!

Oh, hi! I was supposed to be really busy today (and I still have a lot to do!), but some of my plans got canceled, so I thought I'd take a minute to blog!

Quick update on each of the boys:

1. Caleb: Finished his AWANA book already!! Go, Caleb! They were entering all the kids who were half-way through their books in a drawing to win a giant lolli-pop soon, so I was really proud of Caleb for being through the entire book already. And the cool thing is that he sits down and studies his verses by himself. I don't have to make him do it, or really even coach him though it anymore.

2. Nate: 99.5 % potty-trained! Woohoo! It is such a relief to only have to worry about one set of diapers. Now, for the other .5% of the time that Nate is not perfectly potty-trained, we still have pull-ups. But that problem only happens at night, and even that is happening less and less. Most mornings he wakes up dry and goes potty on his own without any prompting from me.

3. Sam: Walking!! Cutest thing EVER. I love the little baby-toddle. And his cloth diapers make for a nice, thick padding when he takes those hard falls onto his little butt.

And an update on me and Eric:

We are doing well. Deployment is really starting to bare down on us. I know it's still a few months away, but I also know that that time will go quickly and will also be full of a lot of work, preparation and training for Eric.

I feel like I've really turned a corner when it comes to the anxiety. It doesn't rule my entire existence anymore. I have the occasional moment where something (like the idea of an entire YEAR without my husband) will hit me particularly hard and I'll need to cry or at least take some deep breaths. But I'm able to do it and move on now, rather than getting stuck in that panicky state like I used to.

One thing that is helping me in HUGE ways is Protestant Women of the Chapel (PWOC). It's a group of Christian Army wives who meet at the chapel every week for praise and worship, food, fellowship and Bible study. I don't even know how to describe how good it feels to go somewhere and worship God, study the Bible and talk about life with so many women that I know are going through the exact same thing that I am. I look forward to it all week now, and I am so thankful that God led me there!

And last but not least, we put up our Christmas trees!!! I love Christmas trees! And don't be a Scrooge and tell me it's too early. This is our first year in our own home, and we were excited about it. Also, Christmas is going to be a little blue next year, without Daddy, so I figure we might as well enjoy it to the fullest while we're all together!

Dear Deployment,

I see you, hiding over there in Springtime. You're trying to sneak up on me. You want to jump out when I least expect it and scare me so bad I can't focus on anything but how scared I am of you.

Well, I have something to say to you. Give it up. You may have ruled my life these past 2 years. I may have lived in fear of you, and spent most of my time trying to hide from you. Pretending you would go away if I just ignored you or got mad enough.

No more. I have finally acknowledged the fact that you are coming. I have accepted the reality of what that means for my family. And I have acknowledged and accepted all the things that might happen after you get here.

And guess what? I'm not afraid of you anymore. I am claiming victory over the fear, hurt and anxiety that you have brought into my life ever since I found out you were coming, and I will have that victory, because I asked Jesus to give it to me.

That doesn't mean that it will be easy. It doesn't mean I won't miss Eric or worry about him, or cry or get mad. But it does mean that I can have peace, deep-down where it really matters. Peace that no matter what happens, there is ultimately a good ending for all of us. Nothing that can happen during deployment will be the end of me, my family, or my husband. The marriage that we have built, the family that we've made-those can never be taken from me, either.

Raising 3 little boys by myself for a year while my husband is on the ground in a foreign country fighting a war is going to be hard. Not knowing where Eric is or what he's doing or if he's ok is going to be hard. Not being able to talk to him or lean on him for support like a wife should be able to do with her husband is going to be hard. The wife of a deployed soldier is going to be a tough role to play. But I know that my God didn't give me a role that He isn't big enough to sustain me through.

So yeah, Deployment, you're big, dark, scary and ugly. But you're nothing but a boogieman, and in the words of Junior Asparagus,

"God is bigger than the boogieman".

Nate-Nate!

Nate turned three this month! He has been such a blessing to our family, and we are so thankful for him! It's hard to believe how big he has gotten in what seemed like such a short amount of time!

Here he is before we even met him. This is me at 37 weeks pregnant, and Nate was born about 5 days later.


I had come home from work the night of October 2 and wasn't feeling very well. Eric had just had staff duty the day before, and then had had to take care of Caleb while I was at work, so he went right to bed after he picked me up from work. I stayed up and sat on the couch watching t.v. and timing what I assumed were Braxton Hicks contractions. After a few hours, I started feeling nervous and found myself pacing around the house and stopping to lean on things when I had a contraction, which was about every 5 or 6 minutes. I was still telling myself that it was probably Braxton Hicks, though. At about 2 am, I felt a contraction coming on and leaned on the t.v. stand to try to breathe through it, and it was so bad that I started crying and shaking, and when it was over I looked down and saw my sweaty footprints in the carpet, so I decided to give L & D a call. They told me to come in and get checked, so I got Eric up and on the way there I still kept telling myself that it was probably just Braxton Hicks and hopefully they could give me something for the pain until real labor started.


But I was wrong! We got to the hospital and were told I was at almost 5 cm, and they checked me in, took me to a room, and gave me my epidural (yay for epidurals!) About 6 hours later, it was time to push, and Nate was born about 7 minutes after that. I will never forget that first moment I saw him. He was born in a teaching hospital, and instead of giving him to me right away, they took him over to the warmer for some students to look at, and I watched them carry him across the room with this really angry look on his purple, goopy face, and I just felt so happy! They dressed him and put a little hat on him, and finally gave him to me, and the picture above is of that very moment.

He was 8 lbs 3 oz, 21 inches long. Born at the National Naval Medical Center at Bethesda in Maryland on October 3, 2007 at 9:07 am.

This is the picture we used for his birth announcement.

Fast-forward one year! We were still living in Maryland. This picture is of what we liked to call the "Nate Mouth". He made this face all the time for the first 2 years of his life. It was kinda his thing. :)



And here he is at his first birthday party! We went to Rocky Mount and had the party at my mom's house. This picture was taken in her backyard, and that is his birthday cake all over his shirt.

Fast-forward another year, and Nate is about to turn 2! We had been in Alaska for less than three months. He was enjoying having a yard, getting to know his first little friends, and getting ready to be a big brother!

Cute, right?

And yet another year later, our Nate-Nate is three! And he still makes his mommy just as happy as he did that first time I held him. He loves all things Buzz Lightyear and Super Hero Squad (especially Iron Man). His favorite food is either Ritz Crackers, chips, or hard-boiled eggs, and his favorite drink is milk, no contest. Except for maybe juice, and water :). And all cups are called "bobo" by Nate. If he wants milk in a cup, he asks for "bobo-milk" He loves playing with his brothers and his friends, and has a spirited, individual and hilarious personality. He makes us laugh every day.

Love you, Nate!

Check this out!

So this is my new purse, and I LOVE it. How cool is this concept? I had never seen one before we moved to this duty station, and then one of the other FRG volunteers had something similar to this and I HAD to find out where to get one. I am shy and a dork, so I didn't do the sensible thing and ask her, but I googled around til I found a woman who sells them and I ordered it while Eric was in the field last month. It just came in the mail today.

In case anyone is curious, I got it from this lady.

And this is my new 3 year old! He's not technically 3 for a few more days, but I had this cute picture of him and I thought I'd share. Right before I took it, he said, "Mommy, take a picture of me!", and then he struck this awesome pose. He will get his own birthday post very soon!

And this is my beautiful new 10 month old! He was 10 months yesterday. It's hard to believe how fast the time can go by! Look at him, standing up all by himself, eating toys and getting into the dishwasher!

He sure knows how to make me smile!

I am so thankful for 10 wonderful months with my sweet little Sammy!

September

September has come and gone! It seems like it went by quickly now, but it felt really slow while Eric was gone.



We were dreading the time apart, like we always do, but we were also pretty excited for the awesome training opportunity we knew Eric and his unit would get. He learned a lot and it went really well-I am so proud of him and the soldiers he works with!



The last 2 weeks of the training were the hardest on me because we had almost no contact with each other. Eric has had to leave for months at a time before, but we have always had reliable communication, and it was very different to not be able to speak to him. It started feeling wierd after a while-to have no idea where he was or what was going on with him, or how he was feeling. To not be able to share with him anything that was happening here. I started to feel disconnected, and it was a little scary, because one of the best things about our relationship (I think, anyway) is how connected and in-tune with each other's feelings we are. I wouldn't say we've been that way through our entire 9-year marriage, since it was something we had to work very hard to build up, but it has been that way probably for at least 4 or 5 years. Our closeness is something that I really cherish because we worked so hard for it, and I didn't like the feeling of it changing.



Our lives have changed so significantly in the past year. Eric used to have a "day job", with occasional TDY or schools. The amount of time that he's had to be gone since we moved here is completely new to us, and it's been a huge adjustment. What makes it harder to adjust to is that I know it's just the tip of the iceberg. The deployment will be 100 times harder. And it's very likely that we will go through several deployments in the time that Eric has left in the Army. It's our new reality, and I'm struggling to accept it. Every day I have at least one thought of "why can't we just go back to the way things were" or "why can't he just be a banker or something".



But he wouldn't be Eric if he wasn't doing what he's doing, and I love Eric just the way he is. And God has led us to this point in our lives, and if it's what he wants us to do, then we are going to do it the best that we can. We were talking last night, and it occurred to me that the decision we made together to come to this duty station, knowing he would be deployed, was the first time in my life that I have ever chosen to do something that I was absolutely terrified of and didn't want to do. I told Eric I wish every day that I could take that choice back, but if I actually had the option in front of me to take it back, I know that I wouldn't. It's right. I just know that it's the right choice, so we keep moving forward, doing what we can to prepare and trying to trust God when he says that He has a purpose for us--a good purpose.



We are looking forward to having more time together for a few months before he has to leave for more training, and then for deployment. There are some long weekends coming up, and I can't tell you how awesome those sound to me right now!



Time with my husband...there's nothing better. :)

What's Up?

Well it was a nice, relaxing, restful, and RAINY weekend! We got in lots of good family time, which was wonderful after Eric having to be gone last week.

We are planning to enjoy this coming week, since our family will get to spend it together-at night anyway :) And it's a 4-day week, and then Eric will be off Friday through Monday! Yay! We plan to squeeze every ounce of family time out of that long weekend that we possible can, because family time will be pretty scarce in September. It's going to be a long and probably frustrating month, but I am ready to do it and get it behind us. And maybe to test myself a little for the upcoming deployment-how well will I do by myself with three kids when it's more than just a week at a time? We'll see!

I'm also pretty excited that Eric won Apache of the Week this past week while he was gone (for being awesome, of course), and he now has a four-day pass to take in October. We plan to enjoy that as well!

It's definitely cooling off outside! The trees are starting to turn gold, too. It's been raining a lot and the temperatures are staying in the 50s and 60s. Won't be long now before that rain turns to snow. I'm kind of looking forward to it! I know that sounds crazy, since we have snow on the ground for more than half the year here, but after the beautiful summer we've had, I just feel ready to enjoy the winter, too. I'm especially excited that we will be able to spend a lot more time outside this year, since I won't be pregnant for the first half of winter, and then worrying about a newborn getting too cold for the second half.

Speaking of cooling off, Caleb got a package in the mail from my mom with a lot of fall clothes in it, which was really nice, since none of the boys really had any warm clothes that fit. So this weekend we went shopping and only had to get stuff for Nate and Sam. We went to Once Upon a Child and bought them each a fall wardrobe for a total of $46, even. I love that place! If you have kids, you should definitely find the closest one to you and shop there. It's such a savings, even over Walmart.

So, I guess that's all for now. I know this post is not written that well, it's just kind of a hodge-podge of what's been going on lately. I'm sure I will have something more profound to share soon. :)

Nine Years!

Tommorow is our ninth wedding anniversary. Eric had to be gone this week, so he took THursday and Friday off and we celebrated over a long weekend. It was really important to us to get to do something special this year, since Eric will deployed on our tenth anniversary.

So we decided to take a mini-tour of Alaska to the south of us! We left Thursday morning and drove down AK 3 through Denali National Park. We got to the southern viewing area for Mt. McKinley a little after lunch time, so we had a little picnic and spent some time looking at the tallest mountain in North America!


After that, we found a nice spot on a creek called Troublesome (appropriate for a family of three boys, yes?), and we let the boys throw rocks in the water, which I believe has become their favorite pastime.

Later that night, we went back to our hotel, and found that the sun was setting behind Mt. McKinley. I took a couple of pictures, and we talked about how pretty it was, just like most other mountain sunsets. And then we went to our room and started getting the boys in bed. We were getting them tucked in when we glanced outside, and this is what we could see:

We were blown away. We've never, ever seen a sunset like that. I don't even know what else to say about it except that it was incredible, and if anybody knows that new song "You Light Up the Sky", that's what it reminded me of.

The next day, we went to the Alaska Wildlife Conservation Center, which I think used to be called Big Game Alaska. What a cool place! You drive in and they have these huge pens for all of the different kinds large Alaskan wildlife. You can drive through or walk through, and you can get our whenever and wherever you want to. We parked the van and walked through, checking out all the big game. We saw elk, caribou, black bear, grizzlies, musk ox, bison, moose and bald eagle. All very close up! And then we went to the cafe and gift shop, and they were selling reindeer sausage, hides, and had taxidermy of pretty much every kind of animal in the conservation center on display, including a huge grizzly! Ironic? Not really. This is Alaska, after all. :)

After that, we went to see Portage Lake, which is a huge lake that was created by a glacier. We brielfly considered taking the cruise to see the actual glacier, but it would have been over a hundred dollars for the family, so we just admired the lake. I would love to see this lake in the spring time, when the ice is melting. I saw a picture online, and it's looks amazing!

We spent that night on the air force base near Anchorage, and got up early the next morning to drive down to Seward to see Exit Glacier and the Alaska Sea Life Center. Both of those activities were a lot of fun. The boys wanted to throw rocls in the glacial melt that was running out of the glacier like a river, which was pretty funny to me. And they really enjoyed seeing the seals, sea lion, all different varieties of fish and sea birds at the Sea Life Center.

And then we drove back up to Anchorage, which was a beautiful, amazing scenic drive. We spent another night on the AFB, and headed home the next morning. Alaska is an incredible place, and we are thankful we had the opportunity to see a little bit more of it together!

Always love a rainbow. :)

Sooo...

We went to the fair today. TONS of fun, but I am too lazy to upload the pictures tonight, so I will blog about that later.

Speaking of lazy, I have all but stopped fixing my hair. It's kind of sad. I do it maybe once a week. Usually for church or when I know I'm about to see Eric. I used to do my hair every other day, at least. Of course, my husband used to be around a lot more, too. :)

And I was doing laundry the other day, and when I was putting my clothes away, I realized I was putting everything into the drawer I keep the clothes in that I wear when I don't care what I look like.

Does this qualify as "letting myself go"?

I would say "poor Eric", but he doesn't care, because I usually try not to let him see me in train-wreck mode. And I'm lucky enough to be married to someone who thinks I'm hot not matter how shlubby I actually look.

Anyway, I was just wondering how long before my friends nominate me for What Not to Wear...

Because I wouldn't mind that shopping spree......

:)

Verses

Oh, snap! She's blogging two days in a row!

Anyway.....

These are some Bible verses that I came across this past week. I have an NLT Bible that is divided up into daily sections so that you can read the whole thing in a year if you want to. I opened it on Monday to the section for that day, and I came across this:

Turn to me and have mercy, for I am alone and in deep distress. My
problems go from bad to worse. Oh, save me from them all! Feel my
pain and see my trouble. Forgive all my sins.
--Psalm 15:16-18

It stuck out to me that it was one that I should definitely hold on to, since I feel sure there will be plenty of times when I will feel exactly this way. I didn't know I would be pulling it back out by the end of the week! When I would start to feel totally overwhelmed and frustrated and just couldn't stand how mad I felt, I would read these words. "My problems go from bad to worse", and mostly "have mercy, for I am alone and in deep distress".

And I know that-at this point in time-I am not going through anything that qualifies as "deep distress". Certainly not when compared to watching my husband head off into a war zone less than a year from now, and knowing that he won't be back for at least a year. Maybe not at all....

But what you have to remember is that every single situation that comes up in my life has this huge, scary, dark and horrible shadow hanging over it. Deployment is coming. It's going to be miserable, hard and lonely for me and the boys. And it's going to be very dangerous for Eric. When he goes out in the field to train, I know that he's training to fight people who are going to be trying to kill him. He mentions things to me, like some medic training he had to participate in where they filled a stryker with a lot of fake blood and had them run up and look inside, not knowing what to expect. When I asked him why they had to have the fake blood, he basically said to take away some of the shock in case he comes up to one like that in Afghanistan.

Stuff like that doesn't seem to bother him too much, and he just says it like, "Oh, yeah, and I had a ham-and-cheese for lunch....". Maybe it does and he just compartmentalizes it well...I don't know. But when I hear him say that, I get this sick feeling, because he rides in a stryker. What if somebody else comes up to a stryker and opens the door and his blood is all over the inside of it?

And then I start thinking, "they are training for that because it happens. It could happen. This could be the last year we ever spend together." And that phrase, "this could be the last..." is the one that really makes stupid little problems seem so huge. "This could be our last summer together, and he's spending the whole thing in the field", or "This could be our last anniversary, and he's going to be in the field for it". And it goes on and on...Name a situation, and it could be "the last".

Anyway......I was curious how my NIV Bible would phrase those verses, so I opened it up and read them, and then my eyes drifted over across the page to these words:

Do not be far from me, for trouble is near and there is no one to
help.
--Psalm 22:11

I don't know exactly what my trouble will be, but I do know that it's near. It gets nearer every day. Remembering that God is not far from me becomes the challenge. He has proven himself to me before on many occasions, and I know I should trust Him more. Maybe someday I will be able to. Until then, I hope that He will forgive my weakness and be near to me, because He is the only one who can help.

Rainbow

Eric was out in the field these past two weeks. He was able to come home on the weekend in-between, which I am thankful for, because I know a lot of times training in the field can go on for weeks. And I was actually able to see him when we went out to the range for the FRG, and also when he came back on Tuesday to volunteer at the airport military lounge with me.

The week was definitely fun for Caleb, who got to go to Bible camp. We had no idea the camp date was even coming up, but Jimmy and Fawn called the camp and found out about a military scholarship AND got Caleb the very last available spot. It was such a neat thing for them to do, and we are so thankful that Caleb was given the opportunity! He had an absolute blast!

So, all-in-all, these two field weeks should have been pretty easy, compared to the other stuff coming up in our near future. And I definitely did manage to enjoy a large portion of the time, since my great friend, Fawn, took me berry picking! We went to a nice little spot she knows and got some wild Alaskan blueberries, which are much more tart and flavorful than any other blueberries I've had. They are SOOOOO delicious, by the way.

Here is a picture. Be jealous......... ;-)




She also took me (and Nate and Sam) to her mom's house to pick raspeberries. Nate really enjoyed the picking, but wouldn't try an actual berry. He's silly that way-doesn't like to try new things.

Actually, he did eventually try some of them. I put the blueberries in pancakes, and the raspberries in jam, and he ate both of those, and really liked them. Silly boy.

Somewhere around this past Thursday night, though, things started to get kind of hard for me. I've been incredibly busy these past few weeks, and three boys are a lot of work all by themselves. Add in keeping the house in order, and I think by Thursday night I was just feeling a little bit burned-out and lonely for my husband. I'm usually fine during the day, but the nighttime gets harder because that is when I'm used to having help with the house-work, the cleaning, getting boys fed, bathed and put to bed, and without anyone to help me or even to talk to, that stuff gets overwhelming at times. The worst is not having him here to hang out with after I finally finish everything. The tv and my dark, quiet house just don't cut it.

I think what actually made it really get to me, though, was the knowledge that my life is going to be like that for a year straight, with no husband coming home on the weekends, and there won't be anything I can do about it but just get through it. So I got kind of emotional and stressed out. Ok, really emotional and stressed out...

Poor Eric. By the time he got home on Friday night, I had pretty much let everything get to me to the point that I was just really stressed out, angry and crabby. I was working feverishly to get the house cleaned and I was vacuuming when I saw the front light come on and knew he was home. But I was so mad at my army-wife-life that I didn't even want a hug and I didn't even turn the vacuum off.

I know. That's horrible and mean and awful and so very, very selfish. I know. Believe me, I know. But in the moment, I just couldn't do any better.

But he was understanding and he just walked in and gave me a hug anyway, even though I was still vacuuming- and let me tell you- that was the BEST hug of my life. It just felt so good to have him there for me, to lean on. Such a relief. So I turned the vacuum off, and actually thought to myself, "that hug made all the stress worth it."

We went on to have a really awesome weekend. We spent most of it outside, enjoying the beautiful place we get to live in. And we enjoyed each other's company so much! I think we are starting to learn how to really get the most out of the time that we have together, since we know it is limited. A lot of times, I'll hear people talk about how they wait for the weekends to get various mundane chores done, but that is not our life anymore. We used to do that, but now, I need to make sure all the mundane chores get done while he's gone, so that when he's off, we can spend that time just enjoying each other and making memories to smile at when times get harder.

It's actually kind of cool. I hate the separations. I hate having to run this house by myself. I hate not having my best friend around to hang out with. I hate it and it's hard. And it's only going to get harder. But, if we didn't have to go through those bad times, we wouldn't have these awesome reunions that we get to have. I don't think we would have the same appreciation that we have for just being together. So that is something that I can try to hold on to while he's gone next year. It's going to be like a honeymoon all over again when he gets back! How cool will that be?

We saw this rainbow yesterday. Isn't it pretty?

It didn't occur to me until later, but it kind of reminds me of the end of a field problem, or some training or school, or even deployment, which is still in our future. It sucks and it's hard, but when he comes home, it's just beautiful.

Like a rainbow. You have to get through the rain first.

In the Field

Eric has been in the field training all of this week. His command and our FRG set up a BBQ so any wives who wanted to could convoy out to the field and observe some of the training and spend a little quality time with our soldiers.

By the way, there was a time in my life when I would have called a group of cars all headed to the same destination a caravan, but those days are over now. Now it is a convoy. :)

We have missed him a lot this week, and we were really excited to spend time with him. We looked forward to it all week. Once we got to the base the training site was on, we had to drive out on some dirt roads through the woods. It was definitely what you would call "out in the middle of nowhere". But it was really, really beautiful nowhere. Driving on the dirt roads was pretty interesting. I was the second to the last car in a pretty long line, and the cars in front of me were kicking up quite the dirt cloud. It was pretty much driving blind, following the outline of the road in front of me, and hoping nothing dangerous materialized.

We made it safely, and when we got out there we got to watch a demonstration of what they have been training on this week. We saw them shoot their M4's and the weapons on the strykers. I won't pretend I actually understood what was going on, but it was still really impressive to watch. I know one thing: I wouldn't want to be on their bad side. That is for sure!

After the demonstration, we were told we could go find our soldiers, so I started looking around for mine. He turned out to be still on the range with his stryker crew, and they pulled up a few minutes later. The boys were so excited to run and see their daddy after he'd been gone all week. I got this sweet picture of it. I love how they are running to him. It gives me a lump in my throat, though, because it makes me think about them running to hug him when he comes back from a year-long deployment. That will be a happy time, of course, but we will go through a lot of pain to get there.

It was so good to see him! I am so proud of him and everything that he does. He is selfless and hard-working, and I couldn't have asked for a better man to be my husband.

Today's List of Three

Here is my list of things that I found particularly joyful today. :)

1. Eric and I spent some time helping friends clean the house they're moving out of. I enjoyed us being able to do that together.

2. Having a big group of friends over to say goodbye to a sweet family that is leaving Alaska. Bittersweet time. It was so much fun to have our friends over and all hang out and talk. I know that there are going to be so many times that I have to hang out with friends without Eric, so I want to really enjoy the times that he is able to be there with me. The "bitter" part is because these friends that are leaving are just really good friends, and I am going to miss them HUGELY.

3. We just put the boys to bed, and now we are going to hang out alone together. That is joyful for many reasons ;)

Tomorrow's list should be good! We are going to church in the morning, where we will see our good friends dedicate their brand new baby boy. Then, we are going to use the $40 gift certificate our realtor gave us to Pagoda ( a Chinese restaurant in North Pole), and take a nice, long drive out really far somewhere to enjoy the beautiful scenery of Alaska as a family. The alone time will be nice, because Eric is about to start training a lot, and will be gone for a good portion of the rest of the summer.

Counseling

So, maybe this isn't something that I should be "public" about, but I'm going to anyway:

Eric and I go to marriage counseling.

I won't go into why, since it's a pretty long story, but I will say that it's not because our marriage is in jeopardy. Mostly, we are looking for ways to keep our relationship strong under the strains of military life. Those strains, by the way, have become more and more difficult to deal with than I ever thought they could be. The closer we get to the deployment, the more they pronounce themselves.

The biggest issue that we have these days is my fear and anxiety about the upcoming deployment, and the ways that it impacts our family and marriage. Which are many, I might add!

Lately, I have been having trouble focusing my thoughts, because there is so much going through my mind all the time, and I jump from one worried thought to another at an almost frantic pace. Sometimes it even takes my breath away. It causes problems for me when I'm trying to cook, clean, or sleep. Cooking and cleaning because I just can't seem to focus on the task, and sleeping for obvious reasons.

The counselor has given me a strategy to help when my thoughts start racing like that. He says for me to sit down and write out what I am worried about to force my brain to slow down and process it. I have always liked to write, and when he told me to do that, I realized that writing is a strategy I have actually used in the past, just for different reasons. Mostly when I have a big project I'm working on, or a lot going on in a particular week, and I start to feel overwhelmed. I will sit down and write out everything I can think of that is important about that project or week, and when I'm finished, I feel much more able to focus and be productive. And I'm more able to keep a clear picture in my mind of what I need to do. So in applying a writing strategy to my speed-worrying, I can not only slow my thoughts down to the speed that I can write, but I can also get a more focused picture of just what it is that I'm worried about, and what I can do about it.

I've tried it a few times, and I have to say it's working pretty well so far. I did it last night before I went to bed, and I slept much better than I have been lately.

The counselor also says that he wants to help me come up with ways to shove the worry to the side and focus on cherishing the time we have left together before deployment. He gave me the assignment of writing down three things each day that really gave me joy. He asked me to come up with a few during the session, and I was shocked at how hard it was. Not because there are not countless blessings in my life that I find immeasurable joy in, but because the fear of losing Eric is so intense that it just hurts to think of all the good things in life that would go with him if he died. It just hurts.

But I want to conquer that, so I'm going to do my best. Here is today's list of three things that gave me joy:

1. Nate wearing his Buzz Lightyear costume all morning, and Caleb calling him "Buzz" because he knows it makes him happy.

2. Playing peek-a-boo with Sam in the den after the big boys went to bed. He smiles so big at me when I do that, and sometimes I even get a giggle out of him.

3. Listening to Eric laugh at something on t.v. It was a "real" laugh, and one that I don't hear every day. I love it.

This one's for Grace...

I was just sitting here alone because my husband got called at 11:20 to come in to work "immediately", and I thought I would look at my blog for a sec.

I should really update it more.

So, it turns out he was called in to look for this 9-year-old kid who went missing a couple of hours ago. Except by the time he got to post, the gate guards were telling people they had found him in the movie theater. This news was all over facebook. Apparently, the gate guards had been stopping everybody going through the gate to check their cars, too.

So, there are two positives that come out of this. Well, no, three.

1. Most important-the little boy is safe.

2. Eric gets to go in at 8 tomorrow instead of 5:30.

3. It's pretty cool to know that if one of my kids were ever missing, this entire post would mobilize to find him. That is just so very cool. It's times like these when I am really proud to be part of a military family!

Father's Day

Here we are! Eric's first father's day as a father of 3! How special!

Eric is such a great dad! I am, so proud of him, and thankful to have him as a partner in raising these 3 sweet little boys.

I'm thankful that he loves to play with them and make

them laugh!

I'm thankful that he is a great example

for them to follow as the

grow into men.

I'm thankful that he loves to actively

participate in taking care of them,

especially since so many

dads out there leave little things

like feeding all up to the mom.

I'm thankful that he helps me around
the house and in the kitchen, even
if he has no idea what he's doing! :)






And I'm thankful that he is willing to sacrifice so
much to make sure we will always be
safe and free.

In so many ways, he is our hero.

Thank you, Eric.
Love you!

Macro Fun!

As I mentioned in my earlier post, the new camera has a really cool macro setting. I have always liked macro photography, so I am having tons of fun with this setting! Here are some of the pictures I've taken with it: My hair!

The carpet


Jeans (love this one!)

my army-wife t-shirt

Toilet paper!!!! Yep!

And this is the bathroom rug. Don't ask my what made me think to take a picture of it. I just did. I have no idea why those lines around the top and side are there, by the way.